I have recently encountered some weird behavior and it has baffled me over the last few days, to say the least. Needless to say with my obsessive personality, it has consumed my thoughts for days. It has not made me angry or sad, just bewildered. I do not think I have ever experienced this to such a degree. I am proud of myself for the emotional control but am still left in wonderment of what could have possibly happened. The only thing I can think of is that maybe this person finally delved in a little deeper to my facebook and blogs and were "scared" with what they saw and read. Again, I can only assume, but I know they are still alive and I know the method of communication in which we were using is still available to them, which only leaves me to guess. I am not sure why I am wasting my time wondering, well, because it is a direct relection of me and how I am perceived, that might be it. But wow, could that really be it? Am I that insane and scarey to just be ignored like so many do the homeless on the street? Am I merely a bath a bed and a job from being "that lady", or am I already "that lady". I, for just a moment's flash, thought of deleting this little home of mine, thinking maybe it is too much, but no, this is me. If it scares you, amuzes and entertains you, comforts you, or simply confuses you, this is me. I seriously thought I was just writing down what most people hid in their own souls, but maybe I am a little more off kilter than others, and if so - I am okay with that, this is me.
I can sense the disappointment in people around me for my loss in sobriety. Please understand that at this time I am not ashamed of what I am doing. I will not make excuses for myself or my drinking, but I will, and have, taken responsibility for my actions, which is a lot more than I have done in the past. I have a new ownership of my life. It is mine and I will do with it what I want, not what people expect. I will love the people I want to love, believe what I want to believe and stop struggling to try and fit some predetermined mold. I feel like for the majority of my life I have tried so hard at being what everyone else thinks I should be instead of living as who I am, and that is why I have lived so long feeling like a failure. This is me. I am living me successfully, a little more everyday. I have and am still making mistakes along the way, one I realized this morning. I will be making an effort this week to correct that mistake.
I did go see my bean counter, just the one time, and do feel like I gained some insight. Apparently I have anxiety issues, who knew? Because I really didnt know. Rachel agreed right away. Haha. It was a shock to me. Anyway - I have had to cancel my last 2 appointment due to financial issues, but would like to go and see him again. I have been trying to "keep things in the middle" as he would say. I know a lot of my anxiety has to do with the kids and them leaving. I need to find forgiveness for everyone for that. That will be a life's struggle I have a feeling.
But anywho, This is me. I am sorry if I scare you. My intention is only to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Putting it on a blog is just something I do, because that's just me : )
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Damaged Goods
Like a dented can of ranch style beans at the grocery store. You know the one, the one the stock boy always puts at the front, hoping it will be absent mindedly picked up and taken out, only to be handled and pushed to the side for the 'good can'. So the beans are a little stirred and shaken - they are still beans. But I guess why have a dented can when you can have a 'good can', right?
Well, I am having my beans taken in tomorrow to get evaluated. Pouring all my beans out of the can and seeing what happens next. Im a little nervous, scared, excited. Not sure what to hope for. Like I told my Mom and Dad, I am not hoping to start liking the world, just to be able to start surviving in my own head.
I am guarded with who i have in my life right now, and would be totally cut off if it wasnt for Rachel. She has convinced me that some sense of genuinality (Im sure that is a word)still exists in some people out there and told me not delete them out of my life just yet. I will believe this because I belive in her. She is my soul survivor right now. I love her for being her, for being good, for being from N carolina and for being my true friend. It is a true shame more people cannot be like her.
So although I do not believe whole heartedly in medical science, (I believe we should live until the ripe old age of 25,like in the Bible days, when marriages lasted and happiness was forever - but that is another blog another time)here's to my dr appt tomorrow. My wrapper may appear nicer, but my can will always be dented and my beans always a little shaken.
Well, I am having my beans taken in tomorrow to get evaluated. Pouring all my beans out of the can and seeing what happens next. Im a little nervous, scared, excited. Not sure what to hope for. Like I told my Mom and Dad, I am not hoping to start liking the world, just to be able to start surviving in my own head.
I am guarded with who i have in my life right now, and would be totally cut off if it wasnt for Rachel. She has convinced me that some sense of genuinality (Im sure that is a word)still exists in some people out there and told me not delete them out of my life just yet. I will believe this because I belive in her. She is my soul survivor right now. I love her for being her, for being good, for being from N carolina and for being my true friend. It is a true shame more people cannot be like her.
So although I do not believe whole heartedly in medical science, (I believe we should live until the ripe old age of 25,like in the Bible days, when marriages lasted and happiness was forever - but that is another blog another time)here's to my dr appt tomorrow. My wrapper may appear nicer, but my can will always be dented and my beans always a little shaken.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Life Interrupted
I am a confused mass of positive and negative energy trying to find its place in the world. You might have been able to tell in my blogs or facebook posts, the constant state of confusion my emotions, faith and mind are in. I have battled with this forever. Always playing with the balances; medications, religions, choices, life and death.
My mind finds a way of swallowing me whole, consuming the very life of me. The highs and lows are so extreme and full of passion and energy that rationality escapes reality, and all that is left is madness. Screaming inside, torturing at both ends of manic and depression, leaving my soul empty and uncapable of rationale decisions. I am either overwhelmed with happiness or overcome by anger and sadness.
My life, interrupted by these seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, is being ripped to shreads as this roller coaster ride continues. My very own thoughts are tearing my life apart. I beg and plead to stop, but it seems like the insanity strengthens with every turn.
I can feel my mind taking over everything in these moments, covering everything in darkness and heavyness. For days it seems like there is no way out, fighting the inevitable end, wanting to give up, but knowing that I can't. That is the worst, knowing that I can't. The struggle between good and evil being played out so vividly in my own mind, for my own life, right in front me. I am the judge, the jury, the victim, the perpetrator and in the end the executioner. It is in days like these that I feel the world has betrayed me, God has forsaken me and my friends have forgotten me. I battle my own thoughts for days or weeks until I can see light, when I can finally interrupt the madness for awhile. I enjoy my days fully hoping for a longer period in between the darkness.
My mind finds a way of swallowing me whole, consuming the very life of me. The highs and lows are so extreme and full of passion and energy that rationality escapes reality, and all that is left is madness. Screaming inside, torturing at both ends of manic and depression, leaving my soul empty and uncapable of rationale decisions. I am either overwhelmed with happiness or overcome by anger and sadness.
My life, interrupted by these seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, is being ripped to shreads as this roller coaster ride continues. My very own thoughts are tearing my life apart. I beg and plead to stop, but it seems like the insanity strengthens with every turn.
I can feel my mind taking over everything in these moments, covering everything in darkness and heavyness. For days it seems like there is no way out, fighting the inevitable end, wanting to give up, but knowing that I can't. That is the worst, knowing that I can't. The struggle between good and evil being played out so vividly in my own mind, for my own life, right in front me. I am the judge, the jury, the victim, the perpetrator and in the end the executioner. It is in days like these that I feel the world has betrayed me, God has forsaken me and my friends have forgotten me. I battle my own thoughts for days or weeks until I can see light, when I can finally interrupt the madness for awhile. I enjoy my days fully hoping for a longer period in between the darkness.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Good night
So tonight is the first time I have felt really good......in like a long time. You know how you get the butterflies, I got em. It makes me feel good that I can still get them. Im not hopeless. I havent given up just yet. Its nice, im smiling. Why? Not sure - I know it will end in disaster like always - but it really feels good to smile. Not many people can make me smile.. HE makes me smile.
The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.
I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.
I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.
I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.
I am ready.
The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.
I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.
I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.
I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.
I am ready.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Down with the Sickness
If ever I have questioned the presence of Christ - that my friends, well that question has surely been answered over the last few days. Feeling more comfortable in my doubts, I let my better judgement get away from me over the last few weeks. I have seen and experienced the consequences tenfold.
My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.
My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.
The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.
My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.
My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.
The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Just a note
I had a very long blog written here but decided, in my better judgement, to erase it. I will choose my words wisely and calm myself down before destroying anything. Just a note to those people I may annoy on a regular basis or just every once in a while, I promise you, I will not change. If you do not like me now, most of the time or even some of time, please do not bother at all. All of my qualities come as a group, you can not pick and choose what you get. I am not different around any one person, everyone gets everything. Please discard yourself from my life if you can not or will not handle because I assure I have noticed and I will not hold my breath the next time.
K - thanks
K - thanks
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
33 and quite positively unsure
Pretty sure I know nothing, and learn less and less everyday. The more I read and try to understand, the less I see. I sometimes wonder if I am too smart or just not smart enough. Some claim ignorance is bliss, in which I agree to some point. Someone tells you to believe - you just believe no questions asked, no analysis of the situation needed, just pure ignorant bliss. Or maybe happiness is with those who can rationalize through all the mumbo jumbo and see the real picture and focus on the importance of the reality. Whichever it is - I am clearly in the middle where confusion and insanity lie.
I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.
I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.
I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.
I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.
I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.
I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.
Monday, May 17, 2010
They just might be on to something....
with this whole woman's cycle thing. Today has been crap. But I cant neccessarily say it was all me and how I chose to deal with my emotions. People are fucking stupid and they are everywhere and seem to multiply by the millions everyday.
My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.
Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh
I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.
I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.
Bleh
My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.
Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh
I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.
I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.
Bleh
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Coming Together
The pieces are beginning to come together now.
Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.
Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.
That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.
The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.
The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.
So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.
Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.
Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.
Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.
That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.
The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.
The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.
So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.
Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Taking a moment
Work is crazy today. I need this moment to gather my thoughts before my head explodes all over everyone.
Deep breath - in with the good out with the bad. We need a meditation room - I need to convince everyone here to become Buddhist. or smoke pot.
I had a wonderful weekend. The weather was gorgeous and the kids were fantastic. I really enjoyed being outside, which is usually not like me. I planted flowers, mowed, with the help of my son (for nothing in return). Afterwards, I read my book in the backyard, listening to the birds chirp, Abbey Road coming from the house and the kids passing by the window and running in and out the door. I would catch myself in a daze of amazement that it was all mine. This wonderful place and backyard and kids, the sounds and smells. I have earned all of it. I was happy. Still am. That is a good lasting feeling, one that I am learning to keep with me.
I have realized I am possibly maybe trying to fill a void that is not really even there. Just because someone leaves your life, does not mean they are to be replaced. Maybe that position was never meant to be filled. I have felt like I have been "on the look out". Constantly let down. Tired of being let down - so I have decided to stop looking. I remember when I was happy without anyone being there - I can get there again. Cute ones make it hard. Cute charming ones make it harder. But again - maybe that position was never meant to be filled in my company. Maybe my expectations of the possible applicant are just too high. Act like you are interested?? Hmmm nope, I would say that would be right after fill in your name here. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong - maybe I am the one that doesnt fit the position. Hahaha - whatever - I rock, that cant be it.
Over aggressive am I, but honest, loving and faithfull I can be.
Praying for peace, clarity and true companionship.
Deep breath - in with the good out with the bad. We need a meditation room - I need to convince everyone here to become Buddhist. or smoke pot.
I had a wonderful weekend. The weather was gorgeous and the kids were fantastic. I really enjoyed being outside, which is usually not like me. I planted flowers, mowed, with the help of my son (for nothing in return). Afterwards, I read my book in the backyard, listening to the birds chirp, Abbey Road coming from the house and the kids passing by the window and running in and out the door. I would catch myself in a daze of amazement that it was all mine. This wonderful place and backyard and kids, the sounds and smells. I have earned all of it. I was happy. Still am. That is a good lasting feeling, one that I am learning to keep with me.
I have realized I am possibly maybe trying to fill a void that is not really even there. Just because someone leaves your life, does not mean they are to be replaced. Maybe that position was never meant to be filled. I have felt like I have been "on the look out". Constantly let down. Tired of being let down - so I have decided to stop looking. I remember when I was happy without anyone being there - I can get there again. Cute ones make it hard. Cute charming ones make it harder. But again - maybe that position was never meant to be filled in my company. Maybe my expectations of the possible applicant are just too high. Act like you are interested?? Hmmm nope, I would say that would be right after fill in your name here. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong - maybe I am the one that doesnt fit the position. Hahaha - whatever - I rock, that cant be it.
Over aggressive am I, but honest, loving and faithfull I can be.
Praying for peace, clarity and true companionship.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I slipped and fell.
I am back up.
Geez life is hard and you have to make a lot of decisions everyday. I wish it were easier. It is as easy as you make though I guess.
Smarter decisions:
1. Dont stay out late on weeknights - no matter how good the music or how enchanting the guy - work the next day sucks
3. When the peircing guy says to not drink alcohol with your peircing - dont drink alcohol. My fucking face hurts.
5. Do not drink and drive. I havent, but that is still a smart decision that should be listed.
6. Don't be obsessive, a trait I realize is very unattractive but is sometimes hard to control.
7. Remind yourself periodically what you might look like to other people. Although people tell you should NOT worry about this, recent pictures and video, make me doubt this.
8. Remind myself that one day I will feel strong enough to put 2 and 4 back up there. Just not yet.
9. Keep one day on the weekend to rest and do my grown up responsibilities like laundry and dishes and stuff.
10. Always take atleast one bubble bath during the week.
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.
Praying for peace and clarity and a simple life.
I am back up.
Geez life is hard and you have to make a lot of decisions everyday. I wish it were easier. It is as easy as you make though I guess.
Smarter decisions:
1. Dont stay out late on weeknights - no matter how good the music or how enchanting the guy - work the next day sucks
3. When the peircing guy says to not drink alcohol with your peircing - dont drink alcohol. My fucking face hurts.
5. Do not drink and drive. I havent, but that is still a smart decision that should be listed.
6. Don't be obsessive, a trait I realize is very unattractive but is sometimes hard to control.
7. Remind yourself periodically what you might look like to other people. Although people tell you should NOT worry about this, recent pictures and video, make me doubt this.
8. Remind myself that one day I will feel strong enough to put 2 and 4 back up there. Just not yet.
9. Keep one day on the weekend to rest and do my grown up responsibilities like laundry and dishes and stuff.
10. Always take atleast one bubble bath during the week.
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.
Praying for peace and clarity and a simple life.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ode to My Little Red Wagon
I was very excited at first
about my little red wagon
I thought "who in the world
wouldn't want to have one"
I took care of my wagon
every single day
It was the first thing I thought of
when I wanted to play
I kept my wagon
looking shiney and new
Keeping it in focus
if I thought I was through
My little red wagon was wonderful
and it made me feel alive
When I rode in my wagon
I felt like I could fly
I showed my wagon off
to all of my friends
But they did not have a little red wagon
and did not want to jump in
Still proud of my little wagon
on two feet I was homebound
Giddy with excitement
Not to be slowed down
The next couple of weeks
my wagon was still like brand new
I rode in my red wagon
Passed by my friends and stopped for a few
I bragged about my wagon
they bragged about their fun
It was a beautiful day out..
I have always had fun in the sun
I looked at my little wagon
and it looked back at me
Little red had been so good
I couldnt just tell it to leave
Making better decisions
since getting my little red wagon
I had to come up with an idea
and I knew I finally had one
I realized my little red wagon
could hold just enough fun in the sun
I could pull it wherever I wanted
and then stop when I wanted to get just one
And so we walked handle and hand
at the end of a gorgeous day
me and my little red wagon
only a little compromise we each had to make
about my little red wagon
I thought "who in the world
wouldn't want to have one"
I took care of my wagon
every single day
It was the first thing I thought of
when I wanted to play
I kept my wagon
looking shiney and new
Keeping it in focus
if I thought I was through
My little red wagon was wonderful
and it made me feel alive
When I rode in my wagon
I felt like I could fly
I showed my wagon off
to all of my friends
But they did not have a little red wagon
and did not want to jump in
Still proud of my little wagon
on two feet I was homebound
Giddy with excitement
Not to be slowed down
The next couple of weeks
my wagon was still like brand new
I rode in my red wagon
Passed by my friends and stopped for a few
I bragged about my wagon
they bragged about their fun
It was a beautiful day out..
I have always had fun in the sun
I looked at my little wagon
and it looked back at me
Little red had been so good
I couldnt just tell it to leave
Making better decisions
since getting my little red wagon
I had to come up with an idea
and I knew I finally had one
I realized my little red wagon
could hold just enough fun in the sun
I could pull it wherever I wanted
and then stop when I wanted to get just one
And so we walked handle and hand
at the end of a gorgeous day
me and my little red wagon
only a little compromise we each had to make
Monday, April 12, 2010
Popeye said it best...
And I am what I am what I am and I am what I am and that's all that I am 'cuz I am what I am.
With age I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I feel more sexy, more confident, more, well, more Mandyish. I like that. Damn it feels good. I have gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage that society said I needed to have; i.e., the boyfriend, the tons of girlfriends, the date nights, the work friends, the drama, blah, blah and blah. I have narrowed by life's list down to only a few - and boy are they a great group of people. They are there when I need them, they are away when I dont, they have my back at all times. My Super Heroes. I want to give them capes and give them all cool names and make a movie about them and call it Kick Ass. Huh? What? That has been done? Shit.
I like being in my 30s. Just a brief pause - I cant for the life of me recall how to spell intellegent < thats not right is it> I cant very well say I am intellegent and spell it wrong can I? Does it just look wrong? Am I missing an i? Daddy - I know you must be proud. Okay - back to where we were. 30s, 33 in particular has been excellent, thanks to soberness and better decision making on my part mainly, but I have realized this IS my time to shine. So like me or not, I am not going to let that bother me anymore. I am not going to waste my time trying to figure out why. I brush the haters off (brush, brush). If only I could have done that in High School. I am sure I would have been shunned by everyone, as I would not have "fit" into any clique that had there, but I would have gotten along a lot better with my sister growing up without listening to peers telling me what I should think, act, dress, talk and feel.
Cheers to Popeye for saying it best, Im ams what I ams and thats what I ams.
Sorry for the randomness and thanks for patience.
Still praying for peace and clarity.
With age I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I feel more sexy, more confident, more, well, more Mandyish. I like that. Damn it feels good. I have gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage that society said I needed to have; i.e., the boyfriend, the tons of girlfriends, the date nights, the work friends, the drama, blah, blah and blah. I have narrowed by life's list down to only a few - and boy are they a great group of people. They are there when I need them, they are away when I dont, they have my back at all times. My Super Heroes. I want to give them capes and give them all cool names and make a movie about them and call it Kick Ass. Huh? What? That has been done? Shit.
I like being in my 30s. Just a brief pause - I cant for the life of me recall how to spell intellegent < thats not right is it> I cant very well say I am intellegent and spell it wrong can I? Does it just look wrong? Am I missing an i? Daddy - I know you must be proud. Okay - back to where we were. 30s, 33 in particular has been excellent, thanks to soberness and better decision making on my part mainly, but I have realized this IS my time to shine. So like me or not, I am not going to let that bother me anymore. I am not going to waste my time trying to figure out why. I brush the haters off (brush, brush). If only I could have done that in High School. I am sure I would have been shunned by everyone, as I would not have "fit" into any clique that had there, but I would have gotten along a lot better with my sister growing up without listening to peers telling me what I should think, act, dress, talk and feel.
Cheers to Popeye for saying it best, Im ams what I ams and thats what I ams.
Sorry for the randomness and thanks for patience.
Still praying for peace and clarity.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Otis Spunkmeyer The Muffin
They call me Otis. And I like it.
Today has been over the top stressful. My shoulders feel like they are pinned up by my ears, and my back is one huge knot. Work has been crazy with the new system change and I wish I could help everyone that needs it. I had to leave at regular time today due to the throbbing in my eye sockets. I totally plan to go in there tomorrow and clean everyone's desk off. I hate leaving people stressed, it only makes my shoulders higher and tighter.
I want to get this week out of the way and get the kids, hopefully I will get to sneak a peek at the baby brother as well. I doubt I will be able to lay a hand on him, but a look would be nice.
I got my car back!!!! All in one piece! It cost pretty much what the car itself cost, but it is here, and I will pay my parents back. I unfortunately cant drive it just yet. I am currently paying on the ticket from a year and a half ago that will not let me renew my dr lic until paid off. So I get to pass by my car every morning as I walk to the bus. I made my parents keep the keys and the car at their house, as to avoid any temptation to drive. I WILL have a valid dr lic before getting behind the wheel. Good decision, Otis.
I was talking to my Mom earlier about my CD collection and we started talking about the vinyls we have. Now I really want a record player. Maybe even more than I want my next tattoo. I would love to hear the Beatles on vinyl. Who was telling me about illegal copies of the Beatles records on Xrays, was it Robert Miguel, cause Rock n Roll was outlawed somewhere? Damn Otis - you have to remember the whole story next time..... Anyway, I am going to look through all my records tonight and decide; tattoo or record player?
I pray for calmness and relaxation tonight along with my peace and clarity.
Otis out.
Today has been over the top stressful. My shoulders feel like they are pinned up by my ears, and my back is one huge knot. Work has been crazy with the new system change and I wish I could help everyone that needs it. I had to leave at regular time today due to the throbbing in my eye sockets. I totally plan to go in there tomorrow and clean everyone's desk off. I hate leaving people stressed, it only makes my shoulders higher and tighter.
I want to get this week out of the way and get the kids, hopefully I will get to sneak a peek at the baby brother as well. I doubt I will be able to lay a hand on him, but a look would be nice.
I got my car back!!!! All in one piece! It cost pretty much what the car itself cost, but it is here, and I will pay my parents back. I unfortunately cant drive it just yet. I am currently paying on the ticket from a year and a half ago that will not let me renew my dr lic until paid off. So I get to pass by my car every morning as I walk to the bus. I made my parents keep the keys and the car at their house, as to avoid any temptation to drive. I WILL have a valid dr lic before getting behind the wheel. Good decision, Otis.
I was talking to my Mom earlier about my CD collection and we started talking about the vinyls we have. Now I really want a record player. Maybe even more than I want my next tattoo. I would love to hear the Beatles on vinyl. Who was telling me about illegal copies of the Beatles records on Xrays, was it Robert Miguel, cause Rock n Roll was outlawed somewhere? Damn Otis - you have to remember the whole story next time..... Anyway, I am going to look through all my records tonight and decide; tattoo or record player?
I pray for calmness and relaxation tonight along with my peace and clarity.
Otis out.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The weekend started out like a beacon of hope for me, living up to my full expectations on Friday night. A fine night. Rae met me at work and we then proceeded to Deep Ellum to partake in the festivites. The weather was impeccable, the atmosphere inspiring. Music, art and friendship abound. Everything I could have asked for on one street laid out before me.
I finally got to meet Rae's friend she has been raving about, and he was everything and more. The three of us strolled along taking in the sights, listening to the music. Rae's friend bought her a birthday present, a ticket for her and me to go with him to The House of Blues to see Steel Panther. Hands down one of the best live shows I have ever seen! Tony Romo was there, apparently a huge fan of theirs. It was a thrilling night in which Rachel and I molested a Greek God. He was a beautiful creature who unfortunately had to suffer through some butt grabbing when the lights went down. He didnt move, he couldnt have minded that much. We did leave the Steel Panther show a little early to make sure and catch From Us to You at the curtain club back in Deep Ellum. And well, what can I say, it was a great ending to a great night. Rae, molesting the Greek God WAY more than me, did experience a little Karma that night. Haha. Dont slow dance with drunk men ladies, something just might "pop up". Haha. Poor Rachel was horrified and damn near didnt move anymore for the rest of the night. Haha. I was in awe, and even sober, still looked stalkerish over the music, and in one person in particular. I couldnt help it, I tried, Lord help me I tried. Rae tried to help me too, but to no avail. I had to bare witness right in front, granted I was the only one for like a good 20 feet, but I couldnt move.
After the show, we went home and slept, and slept some more. Somehow knowing that nothing would be able to even come close to being even somewhat comparable to the previous night's events, we slept some more.
I called to wish Tyler and Gracie Happy Easter on Sunday and found out that they were now a new brother and sister to a baby boy. I hope they remain as excited as they were yesterday or know that they can come home where they will always be my babies. I dont think Gray is going to fare well with this, but I wish the best for everyone. As Rachel experienced in the early hours of Saturday morning, Karma can be a BITCH, so I hope their dad is prepared for whatever happens.
In keeping with this weekend's theme, I was inspired to write - also inspired by the lack of man to woman contact, but that is neither here nor there:
Internal Bliss
Sweaty hands and clinched fists
turning bodies, arms and legs in a tangled twist
The room is humid and our bodies drenched
This lover's dream seems to far fetched
I breathe you in and exhale you out
Your breath on my skin up to my mouth
Lips pressed and our hands slide
Exhaling once again as our hips collide
Crazy madness running through my veins
The way you feel drives me insane
One last exhalation and the moment is over
Still pressed together, reliving the story
Steaming passion now a goodbye kiss
I will remember always tonight's Internal Bliss
~~M.McCormack
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity. I also pray for those that I love to experience the same.
I finally got to meet Rae's friend she has been raving about, and he was everything and more. The three of us strolled along taking in the sights, listening to the music. Rae's friend bought her a birthday present, a ticket for her and me to go with him to The House of Blues to see Steel Panther. Hands down one of the best live shows I have ever seen! Tony Romo was there, apparently a huge fan of theirs. It was a thrilling night in which Rachel and I molested a Greek God. He was a beautiful creature who unfortunately had to suffer through some butt grabbing when the lights went down. He didnt move, he couldnt have minded that much. We did leave the Steel Panther show a little early to make sure and catch From Us to You at the curtain club back in Deep Ellum. And well, what can I say, it was a great ending to a great night. Rae, molesting the Greek God WAY more than me, did experience a little Karma that night. Haha. Dont slow dance with drunk men ladies, something just might "pop up". Haha. Poor Rachel was horrified and damn near didnt move anymore for the rest of the night. Haha. I was in awe, and even sober, still looked stalkerish over the music, and in one person in particular. I couldnt help it, I tried, Lord help me I tried. Rae tried to help me too, but to no avail. I had to bare witness right in front, granted I was the only one for like a good 20 feet, but I couldnt move.
After the show, we went home and slept, and slept some more. Somehow knowing that nothing would be able to even come close to being even somewhat comparable to the previous night's events, we slept some more.
I called to wish Tyler and Gracie Happy Easter on Sunday and found out that they were now a new brother and sister to a baby boy. I hope they remain as excited as they were yesterday or know that they can come home where they will always be my babies. I dont think Gray is going to fare well with this, but I wish the best for everyone. As Rachel experienced in the early hours of Saturday morning, Karma can be a BITCH, so I hope their dad is prepared for whatever happens.
In keeping with this weekend's theme, I was inspired to write - also inspired by the lack of man to woman contact, but that is neither here nor there:
Internal Bliss
Sweaty hands and clinched fists
turning bodies, arms and legs in a tangled twist
The room is humid and our bodies drenched
This lover's dream seems to far fetched
I breathe you in and exhale you out
Your breath on my skin up to my mouth
Lips pressed and our hands slide
Exhaling once again as our hips collide
Crazy madness running through my veins
The way you feel drives me insane
One last exhalation and the moment is over
Still pressed together, reliving the story
Steaming passion now a goodbye kiss
I will remember always tonight's Internal Bliss
~~M.McCormack
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity. I also pray for those that I love to experience the same.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Friday Night Lights
Yeah its the weekend! And I get to go out on a date with my Rae Rae!!! Hey hey! We have plans all weekend - I am so excited! It is going to be a wonderful way to end a wonderful week. But first I must tell about the end of my most fabulous day yesterday. I left work a little early so I could enjoy the evening at home. The bus/train ride was nice, the weather was beuatiful and I enjoyed the walk. I stopped by my Mom and Dad's before retiring to the house. I told them of the fabulous day I had, and spoke of the control I had gained over myself. I even told them that I thought that I believed I could possible someday have A (one) beer some time down the road. They did not like that. They explained that is what every alcoholic says and how they get in trouble again. I knew they were right. I didnt want them to be, oh how I didnt want them to be, but I knew they were. I really thought my voice sounded strong and convincing, but I guess you cant fool a parent, even when you are 32. I went home and rethought my thoughts. I really do feel better than what I ever have, and well I am just not ready to give that up yet, not even for beer. I did however lay awake in bed rationalizing to myself in what type of circumstance in would be Ok to have a beer. I realized what I was doing, closed my eyes, prayed for God to LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, and went to sleep.
Today has been wonderful as well, still feeling the greatness and lightness of whatever this feeling is and enjoying every moment I have. Rae is picking me up after work and we are going to Deep Ellum for the beginning of the arts festival. My band, yes, MY band, the Beatles tribute - From Us to You - will be playing at the Curtain Club down there tonight!!! Tea for me! I am excited to be there and hear them play and remember everything they sing! It will be nice to be outside and be around the wonders of art and music surrounding all your senses. I will enjoy that most.
I have won yet another battle, but not the war. I fight everyday, I fight hard and without mercy against this. I want this happiness to last as long as I can make it. This ride I am on is beautiful, the scenery, something out of a fairy tale, one with a happy ending I refuse to let go of. I am feeling more at peace and seeing more clearly. I continue to pray for peace and clarity and I thank God for giving me the strength to fight.
Today has been wonderful as well, still feeling the greatness and lightness of whatever this feeling is and enjoying every moment I have. Rae is picking me up after work and we are going to Deep Ellum for the beginning of the arts festival. My band, yes, MY band, the Beatles tribute - From Us to You - will be playing at the Curtain Club down there tonight!!! Tea for me! I am excited to be there and hear them play and remember everything they sing! It will be nice to be outside and be around the wonders of art and music surrounding all your senses. I will enjoy that most.
I have won yet another battle, but not the war. I fight everyday, I fight hard and without mercy against this. I want this happiness to last as long as I can make it. This ride I am on is beautiful, the scenery, something out of a fairy tale, one with a happy ending I refuse to let go of. I am feeling more at peace and seeing more clearly. I continue to pray for peace and clarity and I thank God for giving me the strength to fight.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Freedom Rings
Ahhhh. I feel free today. Everything about me feels good. My outlook on life is a glowing light in the near future within my grasp. I am very excited about everything. I have not felt this way in a very long time. I forgot about this feeling. I for so long drowned my fears and misery in alcohol that I was either drunk or hungover that I forgot how this feeling felt. I feel clear, intelligent, direct, happy. I feel like I know what I want and like I have a chance to get it. I do not feel like I am so bogged down in past bad decisions that I can not get ahead. The air in my lungs feels cleaner and lighter. People around me seem easier and funnier. Problems seem less hopeless and more solveable (is that a word?).
I am listening to Dave Matthews right now and he makes me feel freer. Thank you Dave. I think we would be a good match. Music has and will always be a beautiful outlet for me. It expresses so well the feelings of the day. One of the best scenes in a movie is in Jerry McGuire, after he quit his corporate job and thought he got the contract with the young QB. He was driving in the car, very excited, and was listening to the radio, but he couldnt find a song that expressed his excitement at that time, he kept changing the station, nothing, then he came upon Tom Petty and Free Falling. That was it, and he sang. Dave is doing that for me right now. Thank you again Dave. Crash into me Dave.
I would not trade this feeling for anything in the world. The problems that three weeks ago I was drinking away, seem a million miles away, and very insignificant right now. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have lots of plans. I hope the weather is going to be nice. Rae is going to come over and we might go somewhere and do something artsy via the train. I am excited to see her! I would love to go sit on a patio and listen to some music. Enjoy the weekend all I can, soak up every breath and everyday that God gives me.
I am in love with today!
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity.
I am listening to Dave Matthews right now and he makes me feel freer. Thank you Dave. I think we would be a good match. Music has and will always be a beautiful outlet for me. It expresses so well the feelings of the day. One of the best scenes in a movie is in Jerry McGuire, after he quit his corporate job and thought he got the contract with the young QB. He was driving in the car, very excited, and was listening to the radio, but he couldnt find a song that expressed his excitement at that time, he kept changing the station, nothing, then he came upon Tom Petty and Free Falling. That was it, and he sang. Dave is doing that for me right now. Thank you again Dave. Crash into me Dave.
I would not trade this feeling for anything in the world. The problems that three weeks ago I was drinking away, seem a million miles away, and very insignificant right now. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have lots of plans. I hope the weather is going to be nice. Rae is going to come over and we might go somewhere and do something artsy via the train. I am excited to see her! I would love to go sit on a patio and listen to some music. Enjoy the weekend all I can, soak up every breath and everyday that God gives me.
I am in love with today!
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Day 12
I have sat here in front of the computer for about 15 minutes staring blankly, thinking about what to write. I am tired, I am frustrated and I want a beer. I do not want to get drunk, but I do want a beer. I wish that people would not talk about me to other people as if I were a fictional charater in a book they were reading. That was random I know. I am writing my thoughts because that is what this is for. I am a real person with real problems, if you have questions, ask me, not my friends. You will learn more about me reading this than asking anyone I know anyway.
Went to Sisters last night and it was the first time I had been around alcohol in such a personal setting since stopping drinking. As she poured herself a glass of wine, I could feel my face become flush and my hands begin to sweat. I am not really a wine drinker, so I concentrated on the thought of it probably not tasting very good. I am glad she carried on with her nightly routine and I was proud of myself for resisting any temptations. The food was delicious, the company fantastic. On the way home, Sister stopped by a conv. store for me to get change for the bus the next day. Outside, a young man was holding a case of Natty Light. I saw him as soon as we pulled up. My heart began to pound inside my chest. I got nervous, fumbling around for my purse. It really amazes me how prevalent alcohol is in today's society. Its everywhere I go now, yet three weeks ago, it seemed that I could never find it when i wanted it. Everyone talks about it, its sold everywhere, its advertised everywhere. It really makes you want a beer.
I have come to the conclusion that once I get a better handle on my problems, that I will occasionally be able to go out and have a drink with my friends, but will never let it escalate to what it was. That is, of course, once I can get my life together. I am not there yet by any means, not even close, yet so much closer than 2 weeks ago. I continue to pray for peace and clarity.
Went to Sisters last night and it was the first time I had been around alcohol in such a personal setting since stopping drinking. As she poured herself a glass of wine, I could feel my face become flush and my hands begin to sweat. I am not really a wine drinker, so I concentrated on the thought of it probably not tasting very good. I am glad she carried on with her nightly routine and I was proud of myself for resisting any temptations. The food was delicious, the company fantastic. On the way home, Sister stopped by a conv. store for me to get change for the bus the next day. Outside, a young man was holding a case of Natty Light. I saw him as soon as we pulled up. My heart began to pound inside my chest. I got nervous, fumbling around for my purse. It really amazes me how prevalent alcohol is in today's society. Its everywhere I go now, yet three weeks ago, it seemed that I could never find it when i wanted it. Everyone talks about it, its sold everywhere, its advertised everywhere. It really makes you want a beer.
I have come to the conclusion that once I get a better handle on my problems, that I will occasionally be able to go out and have a drink with my friends, but will never let it escalate to what it was. That is, of course, once I can get my life together. I am not there yet by any means, not even close, yet so much closer than 2 weeks ago. I continue to pray for peace and clarity.
Monday, March 29, 2010
What a Weekend!
Had the kids this weekend, which explains the lack of blogging - spent all my time with them! My parents drove me to pick them up on Friday. I met their sunshiney faces with a huge smile and warm hugs. They brought me roses and a card for my birthday, too sweet. The roses were as beautiful as their smiles and I couldnt wait to get them all home to brighten up the house. As soon as they got in the car, the catching up began. A clattering a voices telling me, Nana and Papa of the weeks events and what happened over Spring Break came spilling out of their excited little lips. I had to convince them to talk one at a time and to be patient with each other so I could hear each story. I am still not quite sure I got everything, but I am glad they had a good time!
We went to bed early Friday night to prepare for the early day on Saturday. We were getting up to go the movies. I was taking them on the bus to get there. Gracie was thrilled, Tyler, a little timid.
We woke that morning ready to go, off to the bus stop we went. Gracie did not care who or what was going on around her, she was just enjoying the ride, Tyler was eyeing everyone and everything as if they were about to attack. Poor thing, I know I did this to him. When he was young I warned him about everything. Maybe I was a tad bit over protective.
We watched 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid" because Tyler had read all the books and wanted to see the movie. I was pleased to hear after the movie, that he enjoyed the books better. Thats a good sign. We rode the bus to the train and then took the train downtown and walked around the West End. It was a beautiful day, so we decided to eat lunch out on a patio somewhere downtown. My luck - the children chose Gators. Now I have been to Gators before, just never to eat. I asked a few more times if they were sure THAT is where they wanted to eat and pointed out several different locations. By now I am guessing you have figured out I did not discuss the wreck or jail with the kids. They insisted on Gators. And so we went to Gators, no outside seating, just inside, by the bar. I would say that 98% of the people in there were not there to eat, but enjoying the afternoon with a nice glass of beer with their friends in the West End. I sat at the table and watched what seemed like an endless supply of beer get carried by me. I had nachos and iced tea. Tyler had a burger, Gray had a corn dog. It was good. I had another glass of iced tea, let the kids finish their lunch and enjoyed my surroundings. Not as bad as what I had imagined, but Thank goodness they wasnt a live band playing. I had survived my first "bar type" non alcohol drinking experience. Toward the days end I experienced a few stressors that would have normally caused me to go and buy me a 30 pack, baby daddy drama, but I survived that as well, with some encouraging words from my Mom and Dad. My Dad even walked down to the house to make sure I was Okay. I love my Dad for this.
Sunday, my Mom and Dad fixed lunch for my birthday and my sister and Tom came over. It was a great lunch. We sat and talked about good things and I think we all enjoyed ourselves. Its nice when that happens. When everyone is on the same level and is enjoying talking. I am glad Sister found Tom. He compliments her very well, while at the same time grounding her. I like them together, and well I just like him, and that is just something I normally dont do. I get to go over to their house tonight for my birthday dinner. I am excited.
I am 33 today. I finally have an optimistic outlook on my future because I have taken control and responsibily of my life. I am proud of myself today. If God graces me with a tomorrow, I know I will be proud of myself then too. I am thankful for the friends that have contacted me and given me words of wisdom and courage through this time. I am proud that they are proud. I love my family. I am 33 today. I pray for peace and clarity.
We went to bed early Friday night to prepare for the early day on Saturday. We were getting up to go the movies. I was taking them on the bus to get there. Gracie was thrilled, Tyler, a little timid.
We woke that morning ready to go, off to the bus stop we went. Gracie did not care who or what was going on around her, she was just enjoying the ride, Tyler was eyeing everyone and everything as if they were about to attack. Poor thing, I know I did this to him. When he was young I warned him about everything. Maybe I was a tad bit over protective.
We watched 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid" because Tyler had read all the books and wanted to see the movie. I was pleased to hear after the movie, that he enjoyed the books better. Thats a good sign. We rode the bus to the train and then took the train downtown and walked around the West End. It was a beautiful day, so we decided to eat lunch out on a patio somewhere downtown. My luck - the children chose Gators. Now I have been to Gators before, just never to eat. I asked a few more times if they were sure THAT is where they wanted to eat and pointed out several different locations. By now I am guessing you have figured out I did not discuss the wreck or jail with the kids. They insisted on Gators. And so we went to Gators, no outside seating, just inside, by the bar. I would say that 98% of the people in there were not there to eat, but enjoying the afternoon with a nice glass of beer with their friends in the West End. I sat at the table and watched what seemed like an endless supply of beer get carried by me. I had nachos and iced tea. Tyler had a burger, Gray had a corn dog. It was good. I had another glass of iced tea, let the kids finish their lunch and enjoyed my surroundings. Not as bad as what I had imagined, but Thank goodness they wasnt a live band playing. I had survived my first "bar type" non alcohol drinking experience. Toward the days end I experienced a few stressors that would have normally caused me to go and buy me a 30 pack, baby daddy drama, but I survived that as well, with some encouraging words from my Mom and Dad. My Dad even walked down to the house to make sure I was Okay. I love my Dad for this.
Sunday, my Mom and Dad fixed lunch for my birthday and my sister and Tom came over. It was a great lunch. We sat and talked about good things and I think we all enjoyed ourselves. Its nice when that happens. When everyone is on the same level and is enjoying talking. I am glad Sister found Tom. He compliments her very well, while at the same time grounding her. I like them together, and well I just like him, and that is just something I normally dont do. I get to go over to their house tonight for my birthday dinner. I am excited.
I am 33 today. I finally have an optimistic outlook on my future because I have taken control and responsibily of my life. I am proud of myself today. If God graces me with a tomorrow, I know I will be proud of myself then too. I am thankful for the friends that have contacted me and given me words of wisdom and courage through this time. I am proud that they are proud. I love my family. I am 33 today. I pray for peace and clarity.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
This Time Last Week
I was in Jail, wondering what was to become of me and my life. There were little moments when I just wanted to stay in there or die and not deal with anything anymore. It seemed easier than being out and facing responsibilities, accepting the mistakes I had made, apologizing to the people I had hurt. I just wanted to vanish. I am glad that I didn't. Even though this week has been rough, I have learned that I have a lot to live for and even more to look forward to.
I tried to read some books last night that my Dad gave me like a year ago. Philosophy type books, I got to page 5 and realized that I really had no idea what they were trying to say. I like to think I am an intelligent person, maybe not. I really think these people just tried to fit as many big complicated words into one sentence as they could, over and over and over again. They succeeded and in the process confused the hell out of me. On a good note, it put me to sleep and I slept reeeaaaaalllly good last night. Some of the best sleep I have had in a long time. I decided to take a more simplistic read on the bus, so I went with Angels and Demons. Made the bus ride this morning a tad more pleasant, started recognizing my stops better today, which also made it more pleasant and a little faster.
Rae is coming over tonight and I am looking forward to seeing her. I havent seen her since I got out of jail. She is going to bring over chicken and we are going to watch 'MILK'. Hopefully it will be good, if not I will have to make her watch Across the Universe again. This will be a really hard night for me cause Thursday is a BIG go OUT and "GET DRUNK" night for me. And I had just found this great Beatles tribute band that I absolutly adore, From Us to You. They play every Thursday night, right down the road from my house. I am in love with John Lennon, well its not actually John Lennon and this guy is way cuter. He is adorable. I may have been a tad too forward in telling him all of this, one of those bad drunk moments, he could possibly think I am a stalker. But - Oh they are great. I have so much fun when I go - well too much fun which is why I cant go. blah and skittles and poopoo. and tonight they are finally playing my favorite song, I am the Walrus, not fair, but its what I get right.... Big skittles and lots of poopoo. I guess I should say in this case, chicken and milk.
I am the eggman - you are the eggman, I am the walrus -coocoocachoo.
I pray for peace and clarity. (and to get by with a little help from my friends)
I tried to read some books last night that my Dad gave me like a year ago. Philosophy type books, I got to page 5 and realized that I really had no idea what they were trying to say. I like to think I am an intelligent person, maybe not. I really think these people just tried to fit as many big complicated words into one sentence as they could, over and over and over again. They succeeded and in the process confused the hell out of me. On a good note, it put me to sleep and I slept reeeaaaaalllly good last night. Some of the best sleep I have had in a long time. I decided to take a more simplistic read on the bus, so I went with Angels and Demons. Made the bus ride this morning a tad more pleasant, started recognizing my stops better today, which also made it more pleasant and a little faster.
Rae is coming over tonight and I am looking forward to seeing her. I havent seen her since I got out of jail. She is going to bring over chicken and we are going to watch 'MILK'. Hopefully it will be good, if not I will have to make her watch Across the Universe again. This will be a really hard night for me cause Thursday is a BIG go OUT and "GET DRUNK" night for me. And I had just found this great Beatles tribute band that I absolutly adore, From Us to You. They play every Thursday night, right down the road from my house. I am in love with John Lennon, well its not actually John Lennon and this guy is way cuter. He is adorable. I may have been a tad too forward in telling him all of this, one of those bad drunk moments, he could possibly think I am a stalker. But - Oh they are great. I have so much fun when I go - well too much fun which is why I cant go. blah and skittles and poopoo. and tonight they are finally playing my favorite song, I am the Walrus, not fair, but its what I get right.... Big skittles and lots of poopoo. I guess I should say in this case, chicken and milk.
I am the eggman - you are the eggman, I am the walrus -coocoocachoo.
I pray for peace and clarity. (and to get by with a little help from my friends)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Skittles and PooPoo
Wow! One week. Yeah for me. I have made a lot of changes in the last week, and a lot more are in store. I would love to say I am feeling great and loving life and in some brief, fleeting moments, I am, but I believe the mental part of my addiction is beginning to take hold on me. I have always been able to go a few days without drinking and be on the straight and narrow, but then will need to go out, or stay home, but irregardless, beer would be involved. I am in that mode now. I have that itch that needs to be scratched. My regular routine is now being messed with. It makes my shoulders tense. I am fine at work, but home is difficult. It isnt that I dont like being alone, honestly I dont want anyone there, it is just that I am used to drinking at that time, and now I cant. I have to stay busy, but get frustrated easily. I try to go to bed early but can not sleep. I even woke up this morning before my alarm clock went off, and my alarm is set for 4:45am....and I didnt go back to sleep.
My main question now is 'will I ever get to drink again'? I want to fix everything so I can atleast have one. I am sure that is what every alcoholic says, right? I drink a lot of water now. Thats good I quess. Maybe I will drink that non-alcoholic stuff, I am pretty sure I am allowed to do that. I might try that; O'douls I think its called.
I rode the bus again and it was even easier than yesterday. I have learned that even though I dont like people, I am way nicer than most of the other people that ride the bus and train. I think the nice ladies yesterday were just my guardians so I wouldnt be so scared on my first day. They werent there today, only mean people. I am taking a book tomorrow so I dont have to look at anyone.
Everyone is talking about drinking today, its just one of those days. Skittles and Poopoo.
I get the kids this weekend! If asshole will bring them to me. I have not told him what happened, just the car is in the shop, so no lying, just not the whole truth. Not sure what I am going to tell the kids. I want them to learn from my mistakes, just dont know if now is the right time. I am very excited to see them. Not sure what we are going to do. Me and Rae talked about having a non-alcoholic BBQ this weekend if the weather is nice. If not - I might take them on the train - to walk around the arts district downtown or something. I dont want them to be disappointed in me either. I love them so much. Im so ready to see them. Maybe we can just get movies and snuggle together on the couch all weekend and munch on junk food.
Sister just informed me she was planning on something for my birthday. Hmmmm. My birthday, another milestone already? Not until Monday - so we will deal with that then.
Well, its 4 here and everyone has cleared out for Happy hour - just a week ago - I was headed to the exact same place. Wow. It seems like it has been a lot longer than a week. I dont think I like Wednesdays anymore. Skittles and Poopoo. I love my sister.
I love my mom and my Daddy is my best friend. Im gonna go home and give my Dad a big hug, try not to break my mom in half when I hug her and relish in the rewards that God has given me. I pray for peace and clarity.
My main question now is 'will I ever get to drink again'? I want to fix everything so I can atleast have one. I am sure that is what every alcoholic says, right? I drink a lot of water now. Thats good I quess. Maybe I will drink that non-alcoholic stuff, I am pretty sure I am allowed to do that. I might try that; O'douls I think its called.
I rode the bus again and it was even easier than yesterday. I have learned that even though I dont like people, I am way nicer than most of the other people that ride the bus and train. I think the nice ladies yesterday were just my guardians so I wouldnt be so scared on my first day. They werent there today, only mean people. I am taking a book tomorrow so I dont have to look at anyone.
Everyone is talking about drinking today, its just one of those days. Skittles and Poopoo.
I get the kids this weekend! If asshole will bring them to me. I have not told him what happened, just the car is in the shop, so no lying, just not the whole truth. Not sure what I am going to tell the kids. I want them to learn from my mistakes, just dont know if now is the right time. I am very excited to see them. Not sure what we are going to do. Me and Rae talked about having a non-alcoholic BBQ this weekend if the weather is nice. If not - I might take them on the train - to walk around the arts district downtown or something. I dont want them to be disappointed in me either. I love them so much. Im so ready to see them. Maybe we can just get movies and snuggle together on the couch all weekend and munch on junk food.
Sister just informed me she was planning on something for my birthday. Hmmmm. My birthday, another milestone already? Not until Monday - so we will deal with that then.
Well, its 4 here and everyone has cleared out for Happy hour - just a week ago - I was headed to the exact same place. Wow. It seems like it has been a lot longer than a week. I dont think I like Wednesdays anymore. Skittles and Poopoo. I love my sister.
I love my mom and my Daddy is my best friend. Im gonna go home and give my Dad a big hug, try not to break my mom in half when I hug her and relish in the rewards that God has given me. I pray for peace and clarity.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Day 6
This will be the longest continuous period I have not had a drink of alcohol in over 2 years.
Last night was my first night back at my house and back to being by myself. I was having some hesitation about going back because I knew there was a beer in my fridge. Not SOME beer, but A beer. I wasnt exactly sure how I was going to react to this situation alone, but I did want to know I could do it alone. When I was away from the house, it seemed simple - just go and pour it out but as my Dad dropped me off at my house, it was all I could think about. That beer. How good it would taste, how cold it would be, I could feel it going down. I unlocked my door, unpacked my things and immediately started cleaning my house, scared as to what would happen if I sat still for one second. How could one beer have this much control over a persons life. One beer. I finally gathered the courage up to open the fridge door.
There it was.
It was like a cruel joke. It was the only thing on the top shelf. The light was reflecting oh so softly off the can. It was beautiful. I grabbed the can, it was cold and felt really good against my clammy hand. I held it for awhile and then placed it on the counter and walked away. I went to clean my bedroom debating on the consequences of just having one beer. What would be the big deal, its just ONE beer; do I want to ruin all of this over just ONE beer. This may seem miniscule to some, but this was my LAST beer. Part of me felt like I deserved a last beer, the other part of me felt like I deserved nothing at all. I went with the nothing at all part, went back to kitchen to commence the pouring out of the beer. I scooped that beer right off the counter and opened it right up.
AAAAHHHH. There is was. That sound. PSssss. Then the steamy smokey stuff that comes pouring out of the top. And the can was sooo cold. I then caught a glimpse of myself in the kitchen window smelling my beer. EEWW, not a good look. I walked straight into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, right in the eyes, and poured my last beer down the sink. I felt really good for a second and then I cried for about an hour. I felt this rush of anger and sadness come over me. This release, but no disappointment. It was really hard. I am proud of myself today.
Oh oh, another thing Im proud of...who rode the bus today? I rode the bus today!!! I got up at 5 this morning so I would make sure to leave the house by 6. I was so nervous and scared I could have thrown up like 4 times, but I walked to my bus stop and was picked up unharmed by 6:30. I got to the train station not sure what to do next when a little, older lady asked me where the train was headed. Poor thing, asking me!! I am glad she asked, otherwise I would not have asked the man sitting on the train if it was headed in the right direction and we would have both been screwed. This was the little lady's first time riding the train as well, she was going to jury duty for the day. As we boarded the half empty train, I sat next to her and another nice older lady. She was Indian, the other Asian. We settled in, and I began to wonder what made people congregate, or sit next to one another like we do, like in a train or a dr office, when we dont know each other. How does one pick, and why did I pick these two ladies, they surely would not be able to help me with any directional problems and questions I had. Soon everyone was settled in and the train took off. I look on either side of me at the two ladies and each one removes a book from their purse, one a book of prayer, the other, how God affects you life. I smile. I know exactly why I chose these two to sit by. They are my Mom. I was in an uncomfortable situation and they made me for comfortable. I look at them again. Both so frail and vulnerable, warm and welcoming, quiet and composed. I now know why my mom had me read from The Koran. When you have good thoughts and feelings surround you, you begin to portray and welcome that type of behavior, just like my mom and just like these two women. I love my Mom for this.
My Daddy got my car to the mechanic today who did not write the car off as a loss as soon as he saw it...good thing! We should learn more tomorrow. Please oh please let it be fixable.
Getting out of Jail: $200.00
Getting car out of impound: $286.00
Getting rid of the last temptation : $1.40
Getting another chance: PRICELESS
I pray for peace and clarity.
Last night was my first night back at my house and back to being by myself. I was having some hesitation about going back because I knew there was a beer in my fridge. Not SOME beer, but A beer. I wasnt exactly sure how I was going to react to this situation alone, but I did want to know I could do it alone. When I was away from the house, it seemed simple - just go and pour it out but as my Dad dropped me off at my house, it was all I could think about. That beer. How good it would taste, how cold it would be, I could feel it going down. I unlocked my door, unpacked my things and immediately started cleaning my house, scared as to what would happen if I sat still for one second. How could one beer have this much control over a persons life. One beer. I finally gathered the courage up to open the fridge door.
There it was.
It was like a cruel joke. It was the only thing on the top shelf. The light was reflecting oh so softly off the can. It was beautiful. I grabbed the can, it was cold and felt really good against my clammy hand. I held it for awhile and then placed it on the counter and walked away. I went to clean my bedroom debating on the consequences of just having one beer. What would be the big deal, its just ONE beer; do I want to ruin all of this over just ONE beer. This may seem miniscule to some, but this was my LAST beer. Part of me felt like I deserved a last beer, the other part of me felt like I deserved nothing at all. I went with the nothing at all part, went back to kitchen to commence the pouring out of the beer. I scooped that beer right off the counter and opened it right up.
AAAAHHHH. There is was. That sound. PSssss. Then the steamy smokey stuff that comes pouring out of the top. And the can was sooo cold. I then caught a glimpse of myself in the kitchen window smelling my beer. EEWW, not a good look. I walked straight into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, right in the eyes, and poured my last beer down the sink. I felt really good for a second and then I cried for about an hour. I felt this rush of anger and sadness come over me. This release, but no disappointment. It was really hard. I am proud of myself today.
Oh oh, another thing Im proud of...who rode the bus today? I rode the bus today!!! I got up at 5 this morning so I would make sure to leave the house by 6. I was so nervous and scared I could have thrown up like 4 times, but I walked to my bus stop and was picked up unharmed by 6:30. I got to the train station not sure what to do next when a little, older lady asked me where the train was headed. Poor thing, asking me!! I am glad she asked, otherwise I would not have asked the man sitting on the train if it was headed in the right direction and we would have both been screwed. This was the little lady's first time riding the train as well, she was going to jury duty for the day. As we boarded the half empty train, I sat next to her and another nice older lady. She was Indian, the other Asian. We settled in, and I began to wonder what made people congregate, or sit next to one another like we do, like in a train or a dr office, when we dont know each other. How does one pick, and why did I pick these two ladies, they surely would not be able to help me with any directional problems and questions I had. Soon everyone was settled in and the train took off. I look on either side of me at the two ladies and each one removes a book from their purse, one a book of prayer, the other, how God affects you life. I smile. I know exactly why I chose these two to sit by. They are my Mom. I was in an uncomfortable situation and they made me for comfortable. I look at them again. Both so frail and vulnerable, warm and welcoming, quiet and composed. I now know why my mom had me read from The Koran. When you have good thoughts and feelings surround you, you begin to portray and welcome that type of behavior, just like my mom and just like these two women. I love my Mom for this.
My Daddy got my car to the mechanic today who did not write the car off as a loss as soon as he saw it...good thing! We should learn more tomorrow. Please oh please let it be fixable.
Getting out of Jail: $200.00
Getting car out of impound: $286.00
Getting rid of the last temptation : $1.40
Getting another chance: PRICELESS
I pray for peace and clarity.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 5
Monday - yeah! Nice to be at work - having something to occupy my time is very nice! And being at work not hungover is actually pretty cool. I have gotten a lot done today. I did not have to ride the bus today. Because it was cold - my Dad decided to take me and pick me up. BUT, I will be picking up my weekly pass tonight and riding tomorrow. Weird - but I am nervous. I know I must sound like a spoiled brat - but I have never had to do something like this before so Im kinda scared. I will have to make several transfers and do some walking. I know most of you are thinking "cry baby", but this is all new to me.
In the last couple of days I have tried to determine what my drinking "problem" is. I see most people go out and drink and have fun, which on the outside does look like what I am doing, but truthfully, it is only when I drink that I do not feel disappointed in myself. Strange but true. My life is not what I planned it out to be and alcohol numbs that memory. Just wipes it away momentarily and makes everything sugarplums and lollipops for awhile. That is until I wake up either in a wrecked car, next to someone I dont want to be next to, or simply hungover in bed by myself. Point being, it never seems to last long enough, which is why I started doing it longer with fewer rest stops in between. According to my Mom and Dad I am not a disappointment, I just need to convince myself of that. I feel like I have failed at most everything I have tried, school, marriage, motherhood, career,etc. I need a goal, I need to figure what that goal is going to be. I know I need to start small. Not drinking sounds like a good goal. Being a good friend is another one I will try.
I have realized in my few days of sobriety how many peoples lives I have affected and it pains me deeply. Not only those immediately around me and those I consider my close friends - but those I did not even think about, because of the decisions I made while drinking or the things I did to go out and drink; it affected others in ways I couldnt even fathom until now, when the dust has settled and I have seen some of the damage. To you, I apologize. I know I owe you this face to face and trust me this will come in time.
I have also realized that this story itself has hurt some people and apologize for that as well. I mean no harm, only to tell my story as truthfully as I can. Lead me not into temptation. I pray for peace and clarity.
In the last couple of days I have tried to determine what my drinking "problem" is. I see most people go out and drink and have fun, which on the outside does look like what I am doing, but truthfully, it is only when I drink that I do not feel disappointed in myself. Strange but true. My life is not what I planned it out to be and alcohol numbs that memory. Just wipes it away momentarily and makes everything sugarplums and lollipops for awhile. That is until I wake up either in a wrecked car, next to someone I dont want to be next to, or simply hungover in bed by myself. Point being, it never seems to last long enough, which is why I started doing it longer with fewer rest stops in between. According to my Mom and Dad I am not a disappointment, I just need to convince myself of that. I feel like I have failed at most everything I have tried, school, marriage, motherhood, career,etc. I need a goal, I need to figure what that goal is going to be. I know I need to start small. Not drinking sounds like a good goal. Being a good friend is another one I will try.
I have realized in my few days of sobriety how many peoples lives I have affected and it pains me deeply. Not only those immediately around me and those I consider my close friends - but those I did not even think about, because of the decisions I made while drinking or the things I did to go out and drink; it affected others in ways I couldnt even fathom until now, when the dust has settled and I have seen some of the damage. To you, I apologize. I know I owe you this face to face and trust me this will come in time.
I have also realized that this story itself has hurt some people and apologize for that as well. I mean no harm, only to tell my story as truthfully as I can. Lead me not into temptation. I pray for peace and clarity.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Day 4
Did not wake up until 1pm today, after a night of watching movies with Mom, Dad and Samone. Samone was a friendly and welcoming face to see last night. Not sure if she knows of what happened but she is accepting of all my flaws nonetheless. I spent the day determing what bus routes to take for the upcoming week. Finally got it figured out with the help of my Dad, hopefully there will not be too much walking, although I could use the exercise. I then went on the hunt for my car. I had to get the release papers from the police department and then trek out to the impound. (Sidenote: I do not like knowing where the police impound is, I could have gone my entire life not knowing that one fact)And did anyone else notice it was freezing cold today? I found my car, not as bad as what I thought it was. My Dad said while I was at work tomorrow he would call to see if he could find a mechanic to repair it for a reasonable price and if so, we would get it towed tomorrow afternoon. Maybe the bus adventure wont have to last as long as I had thought. I am hoping the car can be fixed, please oh please let it be fixed. The car started without hesitation - I believe it is just the front axel that will need to be fixed.
My Mom made me read some of the Koran today, The Believers and The Counsel. Speaking of those who believe will relish in the rewards of Allah and those who ridicule and forsake Him will of course burn in Hell. I am at a loss as to what to write after this because I am not sure why she had me read this. I am a good person. My decisions are not always good, and I know it will be extrememly hard for me to change them, but I do believe I am a good person. She did stress that she was not trying to preach to me, but that this was her way of helping. I love my Mom for this.
Some of you may wonder why I am writing all of this for you to read. It is therapeutic for me. I have promised myself to write the truth, even if only I read it. I know I can go back and know it is the truth and either be proud or disappointed, but no matter, it is there - in writing. I can not change it to how I want to remember it - it is there - in black and white. I want to be proud of myself more than I want anyone else to be proud of me and this is one way I know how to do it. So thank you to those of you who take the time to read and follow and even those who dont, because I know I will.
I feel better on Day 4, as I know how I am going to get to work (thank you Dart) my car is not as bad as it seemed 3 days ago, I still have a job, I know I have friends and family who love and support me, and I know I have another chance tomorrow. I have been given a one way ticket out of hell and I am taking it with no questions asked this time, no scenic routes, no bathroom breaks, no reststops. I pray for peace and clarity.
My Mom made me read some of the Koran today, The Believers and The Counsel. Speaking of those who believe will relish in the rewards of Allah and those who ridicule and forsake Him will of course burn in Hell. I am at a loss as to what to write after this because I am not sure why she had me read this. I am a good person. My decisions are not always good, and I know it will be extrememly hard for me to change them, but I do believe I am a good person. She did stress that she was not trying to preach to me, but that this was her way of helping. I love my Mom for this.
Some of you may wonder why I am writing all of this for you to read. It is therapeutic for me. I have promised myself to write the truth, even if only I read it. I know I can go back and know it is the truth and either be proud or disappointed, but no matter, it is there - in writing. I can not change it to how I want to remember it - it is there - in black and white. I want to be proud of myself more than I want anyone else to be proud of me and this is one way I know how to do it. So thank you to those of you who take the time to read and follow and even those who dont, because I know I will.
I feel better on Day 4, as I know how I am going to get to work (thank you Dart) my car is not as bad as it seemed 3 days ago, I still have a job, I know I have friends and family who love and support me, and I know I have another chance tomorrow. I have been given a one way ticket out of hell and I am taking it with no questions asked this time, no scenic routes, no bathroom breaks, no reststops. I pray for peace and clarity.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Preface
I guess I should catch you up on how I got here to begin with. Im not sure it can all fit into one writing session but here's a start.
I grew up in a same town, less than 1000 people, where literally everyone knew everyone and everyone was OK with that becasue we didnt know any better. Small town, small problems, huge drama.
I grew up a very shy girl, tall, odd, lanky, until growing into my skin in high school where i became more sociable and atheletic. Sociable meaning going "uptown" and drinking. More atheletic meaning the only reason I wanted to go to regionals in track as a sophomore was because I heard of the drunken parties I missed out on as a freshman. Alcohol has since been a driving force in my life.
I then went to college on a scholorship for track where I met a totally different group of people who drank a totally different way. This, at first, sent me into a tailspin of depression and confusion in which I focused on academia and atheletics, going home whenever I could and staying with old friends whenever possible. My parents, not thinking this was correct behavior of a college freshman being introduced to a whole new world, sent me to our family dr convinced of hereditary depression. I was then medicated and drinking, which to my parents satisfaction, no longer with my old small town friends, but the new adventurous college ones. I soon started skipping and failing classes, lying to get out of failing, getting into trouble with my coaches and then soon enough I met my ultimate demise.....my soon to be ex husband.
I met him through a dormmate that said we would be perfect together, and after our first drunken blind date, I had fallen in love and he said he had as well. Followed shortly by me quitting track, then college, moving in together, getting pregnant and of course the inevitable marriage vows.
With pregnancy there was no more medication or alcohol, but I was high on love for the first time in my life and it mattered not to me. After my little fat, Tyler Cole, was born, all of that changed. I did start drinking again, but thought I did not need medication. Life as a mother and wife at age 20 was very difficult so when I could, I drank more, hiding all of this under social drinking of course. My husband, not wanting to be a husband, was a great father, but lacking in everything else, husband, provider, friend, etc. He verbally abused me everyday to the point I became anorexic to become the person I once was and the person "he fell in love with". Like thats not gonna make you wanna drink more, but of course none of this was good enough and at the sweet young age of my baby's 3 mo bday - me and asshole departed. With many fights, heartbreaks, reunions, another baby (sweet Gracie),marriages and divorces in between.
Lots of stuff in between but he now is remarried, a baby on the way ( due any day), has custody of both my kids, receives child suppport from me, after 7 years of never paying any to me and still owing back child support; but anywho, I took solice in drinking and goodtimes with friends whenever I could get them.
Sad thing was whenever the kids left, about 2 years ago now, I found those opportunities presented themselves alot more frequently. I found myself drinking alot more. I liked it. It made me feel good when I did it, I had a good time, but ended up making a lot of mistakes. Car accidents, nothing ever too serious, but speeding tickets, one law suit from a lady, lots of wrecked cars, but nothing it seemed I could not get myself, or my parents, could not get me out of.
The last wreck I had, actually I was not driving, my 18 yr old drug addicted, no drivers license having boyfriend was. But it wasn't our fault. The guy who hit us did not have insurance and my insurance did not cover it since the said boyfriend did not have a dr lic or insurance himself. So I was left without a car. My parents graciously let me use one of theirs until they spent money they didnt have to buy me one. I had the car 4 weeks when I decided to go to happy hour with people from work, become wasted and drive home. I was turning into my neighborhood, hit a curb, bent my axle, ran up into a man's yard, blew both airbags and walked out of the car unharmed and without running into or hitting anything else. I did not have a phone so I walked to my parents house which was 3 houses down, woke them up at I dont know what time (midnight or after). My dad told me to immediately call the police and a tow truck. We then went down to the scene. We met the cops down there. They asked how much I had had to drink, I told them too much. I really dont remember what happened after that, but it eventually led to the cop asking for my insurance, I tried to find it, I couldnt, I backed talked the officer and got arrested.
I remember thinking the entire time that it was a joke, that they were going to let me go at any minute, they were just trying to teach me a lesson, to scare me. They never let me go. I went into the jail, was frisked, my purse was torn apart and put into baggies, immediatley was told to take off my clothes and put on the traditional jail carb, right down to the ugly browm sandals. I was then sent to the back to be processed, all the while crying, no sobbing for someone to just listen to me. It was as if they were robots with no listening devices. I was fingerprinted, photographed, questioned, but I dont think really listened to, and then told to grab a pad and blanket and sent to a cell, C4 to be exact. I was asked if I wanted to make a phone call and at the time I thought who in their right mind would come and pick me up//. So I tried to sleep. I was awoken by the sounds of a crying black girl who desperatly wanted her mom to come pick her up and to believe her that it wasnt her fault. I thought 'how many times I have been there', but there was no one to blame but myself this time. This was all me. I took everything that everyone had given me unselfishly on their behalf and just thrown it all away in a drunken stupor. Why in the world would anyone want to come pick me up.
I knew the process of jail from people that had been in there before. I knew I had to see the judge first before I could do anything. Usually it is in the morning, not this one. I did not get to see the judge until about 4:00pm, in the meantime, I tried to pass the time as fast as I could with sleep. I would curl up and cover my head with my blanket and just focus on sleeping above the echoes of the others in there. When I finally got to see the judge and discovered I was only charged with Public Intox vs DWI, I knew again I had escaped a very dark situation and been given yet again a chance to turn things around before it was too late. I went back to my cell after my plea debating on whether to make a call or what my options would be if I was alone in this. Once I decided to call my Dad, I discovered the phone in my cell was broke. After telling one of the officers, they kept telling me they were going to move me so I could make a call. Two hours later, I was released to my Daddy. How disappointing. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, walk out of that cell and look at my Dad.
He took me home that Thursday evening, told me I would not be going home, even though I live 10 houses down, that I would get my things, I would be staying with him and my mom for a couple of days. He would take me to work on Friday, but I would then need to find a bus route to take to work/home until I have enough money to get a car.
To be honest, I didnt want to go home, I wanted to be at home with my mom and dad, I think I needed that for awhile. I am still here now on Day 2. Friday at work was kinda hard, just because my Dad, who is really honest, called and told them exactly what happened; and I had been drinking with them. I did get written up and a few jokes were thrown my way, but I discovered what a great job I have and what a great group of people I have to work with.
So here I am on Day 2 of clean and sober. I found my car today. It is at the police impound. I have to find out how much that is going to cost to get out and if the car is repairable, how much it will cost to repair it. I really hope it is, but do not expect anything. My temptations lead me to drink which lead me to make bad decisions, therefore I can not drink. I pray for peace and clarity.
I grew up in a same town, less than 1000 people, where literally everyone knew everyone and everyone was OK with that becasue we didnt know any better. Small town, small problems, huge drama.
I grew up a very shy girl, tall, odd, lanky, until growing into my skin in high school where i became more sociable and atheletic. Sociable meaning going "uptown" and drinking. More atheletic meaning the only reason I wanted to go to regionals in track as a sophomore was because I heard of the drunken parties I missed out on as a freshman. Alcohol has since been a driving force in my life.
I then went to college on a scholorship for track where I met a totally different group of people who drank a totally different way. This, at first, sent me into a tailspin of depression and confusion in which I focused on academia and atheletics, going home whenever I could and staying with old friends whenever possible. My parents, not thinking this was correct behavior of a college freshman being introduced to a whole new world, sent me to our family dr convinced of hereditary depression. I was then medicated and drinking, which to my parents satisfaction, no longer with my old small town friends, but the new adventurous college ones. I soon started skipping and failing classes, lying to get out of failing, getting into trouble with my coaches and then soon enough I met my ultimate demise.....my soon to be ex husband.
I met him through a dormmate that said we would be perfect together, and after our first drunken blind date, I had fallen in love and he said he had as well. Followed shortly by me quitting track, then college, moving in together, getting pregnant and of course the inevitable marriage vows.
With pregnancy there was no more medication or alcohol, but I was high on love for the first time in my life and it mattered not to me. After my little fat, Tyler Cole, was born, all of that changed. I did start drinking again, but thought I did not need medication. Life as a mother and wife at age 20 was very difficult so when I could, I drank more, hiding all of this under social drinking of course. My husband, not wanting to be a husband, was a great father, but lacking in everything else, husband, provider, friend, etc. He verbally abused me everyday to the point I became anorexic to become the person I once was and the person "he fell in love with". Like thats not gonna make you wanna drink more, but of course none of this was good enough and at the sweet young age of my baby's 3 mo bday - me and asshole departed. With many fights, heartbreaks, reunions, another baby (sweet Gracie),marriages and divorces in between.
Lots of stuff in between but he now is remarried, a baby on the way ( due any day), has custody of both my kids, receives child suppport from me, after 7 years of never paying any to me and still owing back child support; but anywho, I took solice in drinking and goodtimes with friends whenever I could get them.
Sad thing was whenever the kids left, about 2 years ago now, I found those opportunities presented themselves alot more frequently. I found myself drinking alot more. I liked it. It made me feel good when I did it, I had a good time, but ended up making a lot of mistakes. Car accidents, nothing ever too serious, but speeding tickets, one law suit from a lady, lots of wrecked cars, but nothing it seemed I could not get myself, or my parents, could not get me out of.
The last wreck I had, actually I was not driving, my 18 yr old drug addicted, no drivers license having boyfriend was. But it wasn't our fault. The guy who hit us did not have insurance and my insurance did not cover it since the said boyfriend did not have a dr lic or insurance himself. So I was left without a car. My parents graciously let me use one of theirs until they spent money they didnt have to buy me one. I had the car 4 weeks when I decided to go to happy hour with people from work, become wasted and drive home. I was turning into my neighborhood, hit a curb, bent my axle, ran up into a man's yard, blew both airbags and walked out of the car unharmed and without running into or hitting anything else. I did not have a phone so I walked to my parents house which was 3 houses down, woke them up at I dont know what time (midnight or after). My dad told me to immediately call the police and a tow truck. We then went down to the scene. We met the cops down there. They asked how much I had had to drink, I told them too much. I really dont remember what happened after that, but it eventually led to the cop asking for my insurance, I tried to find it, I couldnt, I backed talked the officer and got arrested.
I remember thinking the entire time that it was a joke, that they were going to let me go at any minute, they were just trying to teach me a lesson, to scare me. They never let me go. I went into the jail, was frisked, my purse was torn apart and put into baggies, immediatley was told to take off my clothes and put on the traditional jail carb, right down to the ugly browm sandals. I was then sent to the back to be processed, all the while crying, no sobbing for someone to just listen to me. It was as if they were robots with no listening devices. I was fingerprinted, photographed, questioned, but I dont think really listened to, and then told to grab a pad and blanket and sent to a cell, C4 to be exact. I was asked if I wanted to make a phone call and at the time I thought who in their right mind would come and pick me up//. So I tried to sleep. I was awoken by the sounds of a crying black girl who desperatly wanted her mom to come pick her up and to believe her that it wasnt her fault. I thought 'how many times I have been there', but there was no one to blame but myself this time. This was all me. I took everything that everyone had given me unselfishly on their behalf and just thrown it all away in a drunken stupor. Why in the world would anyone want to come pick me up.
I knew the process of jail from people that had been in there before. I knew I had to see the judge first before I could do anything. Usually it is in the morning, not this one. I did not get to see the judge until about 4:00pm, in the meantime, I tried to pass the time as fast as I could with sleep. I would curl up and cover my head with my blanket and just focus on sleeping above the echoes of the others in there. When I finally got to see the judge and discovered I was only charged with Public Intox vs DWI, I knew again I had escaped a very dark situation and been given yet again a chance to turn things around before it was too late. I went back to my cell after my plea debating on whether to make a call or what my options would be if I was alone in this. Once I decided to call my Dad, I discovered the phone in my cell was broke. After telling one of the officers, they kept telling me they were going to move me so I could make a call. Two hours later, I was released to my Daddy. How disappointing. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, walk out of that cell and look at my Dad.
He took me home that Thursday evening, told me I would not be going home, even though I live 10 houses down, that I would get my things, I would be staying with him and my mom for a couple of days. He would take me to work on Friday, but I would then need to find a bus route to take to work/home until I have enough money to get a car.
To be honest, I didnt want to go home, I wanted to be at home with my mom and dad, I think I needed that for awhile. I am still here now on Day 2. Friday at work was kinda hard, just because my Dad, who is really honest, called and told them exactly what happened; and I had been drinking with them. I did get written up and a few jokes were thrown my way, but I discovered what a great job I have and what a great group of people I have to work with.
So here I am on Day 2 of clean and sober. I found my car today. It is at the police impound. I have to find out how much that is going to cost to get out and if the car is repairable, how much it will cost to repair it. I really hope it is, but do not expect anything. My temptations lead me to drink which lead me to make bad decisions, therefore I can not drink. I pray for peace and clarity.
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