Life Interrupted

I am a confused mass of positive and negative energy trying to find its place in the world. You might have been able to tell in my blogs or facebook posts, the constant state of confusion my emotions, faith and mind are in. I have battled with this forever. Always playing with the balances; medications, religions, choices, life and death.

My mind finds a way of swallowing me whole, consuming the very life of me. The highs and lows are so extreme and full of passion and energy that rationality escapes reality, and all that is left is madness. Screaming inside, torturing at both ends of manic and depression, leaving my soul empty and uncapable of rationale decisions. I am either overwhelmed with happiness or overcome by anger and sadness.

My life, interrupted by these seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, is being ripped to shreads as this roller coaster ride continues. My very own thoughts are tearing my life apart. I beg and plead to stop, but it seems like the insanity strengthens with every turn.

I can feel my mind taking over everything in these moments, covering everything in darkness and heavyness. For days it seems like there is no way out, fighting the inevitable end, wanting to give up, but knowing that I can't. That is the worst, knowing that I can't. The struggle between good and evil being played out so vividly in my own mind, for my own life, right in front me. I am the judge, the jury, the victim, the perpetrator and in the end the executioner. It is in days like these that I feel the world has betrayed me, God has forsaken me and my friends have forgotten me. I battle my own thoughts for days or weeks until I can see light, when I can finally interrupt the madness for awhile. I enjoy my days fully hoping for a longer period in between the darkness.