I am a confused mass of positive and negative energy trying to find its place in the world. You might have been able to tell in my blogs or facebook posts, the constant state of confusion my emotions, faith and mind are in. I have battled with this forever. Always playing with the balances; medications, religions, choices, life and death.
My mind finds a way of swallowing me whole, consuming the very life of me. The highs and lows are so extreme and full of passion and energy that rationality escapes reality, and all that is left is madness. Screaming inside, torturing at both ends of manic and depression, leaving my soul empty and uncapable of rationale decisions. I am either overwhelmed with happiness or overcome by anger and sadness.
My life, interrupted by these seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, is being ripped to shreads as this roller coaster ride continues. My very own thoughts are tearing my life apart. I beg and plead to stop, but it seems like the insanity strengthens with every turn.
I can feel my mind taking over everything in these moments, covering everything in darkness and heavyness. For days it seems like there is no way out, fighting the inevitable end, wanting to give up, but knowing that I can't. That is the worst, knowing that I can't. The struggle between good and evil being played out so vividly in my own mind, for my own life, right in front me. I am the judge, the jury, the victim, the perpetrator and in the end the executioner. It is in days like these that I feel the world has betrayed me, God has forsaken me and my friends have forgotten me. I battle my own thoughts for days or weeks until I can see light, when I can finally interrupt the madness for awhile. I enjoy my days fully hoping for a longer period in between the darkness.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Good night
So tonight is the first time I have felt really good......in like a long time. You know how you get the butterflies, I got em. It makes me feel good that I can still get them. Im not hopeless. I havent given up just yet. Its nice, im smiling. Why? Not sure - I know it will end in disaster like always - but it really feels good to smile. Not many people can make me smile.. HE makes me smile.
The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.
I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.
I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.
I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.
I am ready.
The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.
I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.
I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.
I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.
I am ready.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Down with the Sickness
If ever I have questioned the presence of Christ - that my friends, well that question has surely been answered over the last few days. Feeling more comfortable in my doubts, I let my better judgement get away from me over the last few weeks. I have seen and experienced the consequences tenfold.
My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.
My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.
The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.
My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.
My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.
The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Just a note
I had a very long blog written here but decided, in my better judgement, to erase it. I will choose my words wisely and calm myself down before destroying anything. Just a note to those people I may annoy on a regular basis or just every once in a while, I promise you, I will not change. If you do not like me now, most of the time or even some of time, please do not bother at all. All of my qualities come as a group, you can not pick and choose what you get. I am not different around any one person, everyone gets everything. Please discard yourself from my life if you can not or will not handle because I assure I have noticed and I will not hold my breath the next time.
K - thanks
K - thanks
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