Day 6

This will be the longest continuous period I have not had a drink of alcohol in over 2 years.

Last night was my first night back at my house and back to being by myself. I was having some hesitation about going back because I knew there was a beer in my fridge. Not SOME beer, but A beer. I wasnt exactly sure how I was going to react to this situation alone, but I did want to know I could do it alone. When I was away from the house, it seemed simple - just go and pour it out but as my Dad dropped me off at my house, it was all I could think about. That beer. How good it would taste, how cold it would be, I could feel it going down. I unlocked my door, unpacked my things and immediately started cleaning my house, scared as to what would happen if I sat still for one second. How could one beer have this much control over a persons life. One beer. I finally gathered the courage up to open the fridge door.

There it was.

It was like a cruel joke. It was the only thing on the top shelf. The light was reflecting oh so softly off the can. It was beautiful. I grabbed the can, it was cold and felt really good against my clammy hand. I held it for awhile and then placed it on the counter and walked away. I went to clean my bedroom debating on the consequences of just having one beer. What would be the big deal, its just ONE beer; do I want to ruin all of this over just ONE beer. This may seem miniscule to some, but this was my LAST beer. Part of me felt like I deserved a last beer, the other part of me felt like I deserved nothing at all. I went with the nothing at all part, went back to kitchen to commence the pouring out of the beer. I scooped that beer right off the counter and opened it right up.

AAAAHHHH. There is was. That sound. PSssss. Then the steamy smokey stuff that comes pouring out of the top. And the can was sooo cold. I then caught a glimpse of myself in the kitchen window smelling my beer. EEWW, not a good look. I walked straight into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, right in the eyes, and poured my last beer down the sink. I felt really good for a second and then I cried for about an hour. I felt this rush of anger and sadness come over me. This release, but no disappointment. It was really hard. I am proud of myself today.

Oh oh, another thing Im proud of...who rode the bus today? I rode the bus today!!! I got up at 5 this morning so I would make sure to leave the house by 6. I was so nervous and scared I could have thrown up like 4 times, but I walked to my bus stop and was picked up unharmed by 6:30. I got to the train station not sure what to do next when a little, older lady asked me where the train was headed. Poor thing, asking me!! I am glad she asked, otherwise I would not have asked the man sitting on the train if it was headed in the right direction and we would have both been screwed. This was the little lady's first time riding the train as well, she was going to jury duty for the day. As we boarded the half empty train, I sat next to her and another nice older lady. She was Indian, the other Asian. We settled in, and I began to wonder what made people congregate, or sit next to one another like we do, like in a train or a dr office, when we dont know each other. How does one pick, and why did I pick these two ladies, they surely would not be able to help me with any directional problems and questions I had. Soon everyone was settled in and the train took off. I look on either side of me at the two ladies and each one removes a book from their purse, one a book of prayer, the other, how God affects you life. I smile. I know exactly why I chose these two to sit by. They are my Mom. I was in an uncomfortable situation and they made me for comfortable. I look at them again. Both so frail and vulnerable, warm and welcoming, quiet and composed. I now know why my mom had me read from The Koran. When you have good thoughts and feelings surround you, you begin to portray and welcome that type of behavior, just like my mom and just like these two women. I love my Mom for this.

My Daddy got my car to the mechanic today who did not write the car off as a loss as soon as he saw it...good thing! We should learn more tomorrow. Please oh please let it be fixable.

Getting out of Jail: $200.00
Getting car out of impound: $286.00
Getting rid of the last temptation : $1.40
Getting another chance: PRICELESS

I pray for peace and clarity.