Preface

I guess I should catch you up on how I got here to begin with. Im not sure it can all fit into one writing session but here's a start.

I grew up in a same town, less than 1000 people, where literally everyone knew everyone and everyone was OK with that becasue we didnt know any better. Small town, small problems, huge drama.

I grew up a very shy girl, tall, odd, lanky, until growing into my skin in high school where i became more sociable and atheletic. Sociable meaning going "uptown" and drinking. More atheletic meaning the only reason I wanted to go to regionals in track as a sophomore was because I heard of the drunken parties I missed out on as a freshman. Alcohol has since been a driving force in my life.

I then went to college on a scholorship for track where I met a totally different group of people who drank a totally different way. This, at first, sent me into a tailspin of depression and confusion in which I focused on academia and atheletics, going home whenever I could and staying with old friends whenever possible. My parents, not thinking this was correct behavior of a college freshman being introduced to a whole new world, sent me to our family dr convinced of hereditary depression. I was then medicated and drinking, which to my parents satisfaction, no longer with my old small town friends, but the new adventurous college ones. I soon started skipping and failing classes, lying to get out of failing, getting into trouble with my coaches and then soon enough I met my ultimate demise.....my soon to be ex husband.

I met him through a dormmate that said we would be perfect together, and after our first drunken blind date, I had fallen in love and he said he had as well. Followed shortly by me quitting track, then college, moving in together, getting pregnant and of course the inevitable marriage vows.

With pregnancy there was no more medication or alcohol, but I was high on love for the first time in my life and it mattered not to me. After my little fat, Tyler Cole, was born, all of that changed. I did start drinking again, but thought I did not need medication. Life as a mother and wife at age 20 was very difficult so when I could, I drank more, hiding all of this under social drinking of course. My husband, not wanting to be a husband, was a great father, but lacking in everything else, husband, provider, friend, etc. He verbally abused me everyday to the point I became anorexic to become the person I once was and the person "he fell in love with". Like thats not gonna make you wanna drink more, but of course none of this was good enough and at the sweet young age of my baby's 3 mo bday - me and asshole departed. With many fights, heartbreaks, reunions, another baby (sweet Gracie),marriages and divorces in between.

Lots of stuff in between but he now is remarried, a baby on the way ( due any day), has custody of both my kids, receives child suppport from me, after 7 years of never paying any to me and still owing back child support; but anywho, I took solice in drinking and goodtimes with friends whenever I could get them.

Sad thing was whenever the kids left, about 2 years ago now, I found those opportunities presented themselves alot more frequently. I found myself drinking alot more. I liked it. It made me feel good when I did it, I had a good time, but ended up making a lot of mistakes. Car accidents, nothing ever too serious, but speeding tickets, one law suit from a lady, lots of wrecked cars, but nothing it seemed I could not get myself, or my parents, could not get me out of.

The last wreck I had, actually I was not driving, my 18 yr old drug addicted, no drivers license having boyfriend was. But it wasn't our fault. The guy who hit us did not have insurance and my insurance did not cover it since the said boyfriend did not have a dr lic or insurance himself. So I was left without a car. My parents graciously let me use one of theirs until they spent money they didnt have to buy me one. I had the car 4 weeks when I decided to go to happy hour with people from work, become wasted and drive home. I was turning into my neighborhood, hit a curb, bent my axle, ran up into a man's yard, blew both airbags and walked out of the car unharmed and without running into or hitting anything else. I did not have a phone so I walked to my parents house which was 3 houses down, woke them up at I dont know what time (midnight or after). My dad told me to immediately call the police and a tow truck. We then went down to the scene. We met the cops down there. They asked how much I had had to drink, I told them too much. I really dont remember what happened after that, but it eventually led to the cop asking for my insurance, I tried to find it, I couldnt, I backed talked the officer and got arrested.

I remember thinking the entire time that it was a joke, that they were going to let me go at any minute, they were just trying to teach me a lesson, to scare me. They never let me go. I went into the jail, was frisked, my purse was torn apart and put into baggies, immediatley was told to take off my clothes and put on the traditional jail carb, right down to the ugly browm sandals. I was then sent to the back to be processed, all the while crying, no sobbing for someone to just listen to me. It was as if they were robots with no listening devices. I was fingerprinted, photographed, questioned, but I dont think really listened to, and then told to grab a pad and blanket and sent to a cell, C4 to be exact. I was asked if I wanted to make a phone call and at the time I thought who in their right mind would come and pick me up//. So I tried to sleep. I was awoken by the sounds of a crying black girl who desperatly wanted her mom to come pick her up and to believe her that it wasnt her fault. I thought 'how many times I have been there', but there was no one to blame but myself this time. This was all me. I took everything that everyone had given me unselfishly on their behalf and just thrown it all away in a drunken stupor. Why in the world would anyone want to come pick me up.

I knew the process of jail from people that had been in there before. I knew I had to see the judge first before I could do anything. Usually it is in the morning, not this one. I did not get to see the judge until about 4:00pm, in the meantime, I tried to pass the time as fast as I could with sleep. I would curl up and cover my head with my blanket and just focus on sleeping above the echoes of the others in there. When I finally got to see the judge and discovered I was only charged with Public Intox vs DWI, I knew again I had escaped a very dark situation and been given yet again a chance to turn things around before it was too late. I went back to my cell after my plea debating on whether to make a call or what my options would be if I was alone in this. Once I decided to call my Dad, I discovered the phone in my cell was broke. After telling one of the officers, they kept telling me they were going to move me so I could make a call. Two hours later, I was released to my Daddy. How disappointing. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, walk out of that cell and look at my Dad.

He took me home that Thursday evening, told me I would not be going home, even though I live 10 houses down, that I would get my things, I would be staying with him and my mom for a couple of days. He would take me to work on Friday, but I would then need to find a bus route to take to work/home until I have enough money to get a car.

To be honest, I didnt want to go home, I wanted to be at home with my mom and dad, I think I needed that for awhile. I am still here now on Day 2. Friday at work was kinda hard, just because my Dad, who is really honest, called and told them exactly what happened; and I had been drinking with them. I did get written up and a few jokes were thrown my way, but I discovered what a great job I have and what a great group of people I have to work with.

So here I am on Day 2 of clean and sober. I found my car today. It is at the police impound. I have to find out how much that is going to cost to get out and if the car is repairable, how much it will cost to repair it. I really hope it is, but do not expect anything. My temptations lead me to drink which lead me to make bad decisions, therefore I can not drink. I pray for peace and clarity.