Pretty sure I know nothing, and learn less and less everyday. The more I read and try to understand, the less I see. I sometimes wonder if I am too smart or just not smart enough. Some claim ignorance is bliss, in which I agree to some point. Someone tells you to believe - you just believe no questions asked, no analysis of the situation needed, just pure ignorant bliss. Or maybe happiness is with those who can rationalize through all the mumbo jumbo and see the real picture and focus on the importance of the reality. Whichever it is - I am clearly in the middle where confusion and insanity lie.
I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.
I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.
I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
They just might be on to something....
with this whole woman's cycle thing. Today has been crap. But I cant neccessarily say it was all me and how I chose to deal with my emotions. People are fucking stupid and they are everywhere and seem to multiply by the millions everyday.
My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.
Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh
I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.
I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.
Bleh
My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.
Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh
I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.
I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.
Bleh
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Coming Together
The pieces are beginning to come together now.
Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.
Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.
That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.
The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.
The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.
So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.
Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.
Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.
Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.
That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.
The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.
The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.
So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.
Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.
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