Day 5

Monday - yeah! Nice to be at work - having something to occupy my time is very nice! And being at work not hungover is actually pretty cool. I have gotten a lot done today. I did not have to ride the bus today. Because it was cold - my Dad decided to take me and pick me up. BUT, I will be picking up my weekly pass tonight and riding tomorrow. Weird - but I am nervous. I know I must sound like a spoiled brat - but I have never had to do something like this before so Im kinda scared. I will have to make several transfers and do some walking. I know most of you are thinking "cry baby", but this is all new to me.

In the last couple of days I have tried to determine what my drinking "problem" is. I see most people go out and drink and have fun, which on the outside does look like what I am doing, but truthfully, it is only when I drink that I do not feel disappointed in myself. Strange but true. My life is not what I planned it out to be and alcohol numbs that memory. Just wipes it away momentarily and makes everything sugarplums and lollipops for awhile. That is until I wake up either in a wrecked car, next to someone I dont want to be next to, or simply hungover in bed by myself. Point being, it never seems to last long enough, which is why I started doing it longer with fewer rest stops in between. According to my Mom and Dad I am not a disappointment, I just need to convince myself of that. I feel like I have failed at most everything I have tried, school, marriage, motherhood, career,etc. I need a goal, I need to figure what that goal is going to be. I know I need to start small. Not drinking sounds like a good goal. Being a good friend is another one I will try.

I have realized in my few days of sobriety how many peoples lives I have affected and it pains me deeply. Not only those immediately around me and those I consider my close friends - but those I did not even think about, because of the decisions I made while drinking or the things I did to go out and drink; it affected others in ways I couldnt even fathom until now, when the dust has settled and I have seen some of the damage. To you, I apologize. I know I owe you this face to face and trust me this will come in time.

I have also realized that this story itself has hurt some people and apologize for that as well. I mean no harm, only to tell my story as truthfully as I can. Lead me not into temptation. I pray for peace and clarity.