Good night

So tonight is the first time I have felt really good......in like a long time. You know how you get the butterflies, I got em. It makes me feel good that I can still get them. Im not hopeless. I havent given up just yet. Its nice, im smiling. Why? Not sure - I know it will end in disaster like always - but it really feels good to smile. Not many people can make me smile.. HE makes me smile.

The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.

I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.

I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.

I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.

I am ready.