Taking a moment

Work is crazy today. I need this moment to gather my thoughts before my head explodes all over everyone.

Deep breath - in with the good out with the bad. We need a meditation room - I need to convince everyone here to become Buddhist. or smoke pot.

I had a wonderful weekend. The weather was gorgeous and the kids were fantastic. I really enjoyed being outside, which is usually not like me. I planted flowers, mowed, with the help of my son (for nothing in return). Afterwards, I read my book in the backyard, listening to the birds chirp, Abbey Road coming from the house and the kids passing by the window and running in and out the door. I would catch myself in a daze of amazement that it was all mine. This wonderful place and backyard and kids, the sounds and smells. I have earned all of it. I was happy. Still am. That is a good lasting feeling, one that I am learning to keep with me.

I have realized I am possibly maybe trying to fill a void that is not really even there. Just because someone leaves your life, does not mean they are to be replaced. Maybe that position was never meant to be filled. I have felt like I have been "on the look out". Constantly let down. Tired of being let down - so I have decided to stop looking. I remember when I was happy without anyone being there - I can get there again. Cute ones make it hard. Cute charming ones make it harder. But again - maybe that position was never meant to be filled in my company. Maybe my expectations of the possible applicant are just too high. Act like you are interested?? Hmmm nope, I would say that would be right after fill in your name here. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong - maybe I am the one that doesnt fit the position. Hahaha - whatever - I rock, that cant be it.

Over aggressive am I, but honest, loving and faithfull I can be.

Praying for peace, clarity and true companionship.