Skittles and PooPoo

Wow! One week. Yeah for me. I have made a lot of changes in the last week, and a lot more are in store. I would love to say I am feeling great and loving life and in some brief, fleeting moments, I am, but I believe the mental part of my addiction is beginning to take hold on me. I have always been able to go a few days without drinking and be on the straight and narrow, but then will need to go out, or stay home, but irregardless, beer would be involved. I am in that mode now. I have that itch that needs to be scratched. My regular routine is now being messed with. It makes my shoulders tense. I am fine at work, but home is difficult. It isnt that I dont like being alone, honestly I dont want anyone there, it is just that I am used to drinking at that time, and now I cant. I have to stay busy, but get frustrated easily. I try to go to bed early but can not sleep. I even woke up this morning before my alarm clock went off, and my alarm is set for 4:45am....and I didnt go back to sleep.

My main question now is 'will I ever get to drink again'? I want to fix everything so I can atleast have one. I am sure that is what every alcoholic says, right? I drink a lot of water now. Thats good I quess. Maybe I will drink that non-alcoholic stuff, I am pretty sure I am allowed to do that. I might try that; O'douls I think its called.

I rode the bus again and it was even easier than yesterday. I have learned that even though I dont like people, I am way nicer than most of the other people that ride the bus and train. I think the nice ladies yesterday were just my guardians so I wouldnt be so scared on my first day. They werent there today, only mean people. I am taking a book tomorrow so I dont have to look at anyone.

Everyone is talking about drinking today, its just one of those days. Skittles and Poopoo.

I get the kids this weekend! If asshole will bring them to me. I have not told him what happened, just the car is in the shop, so no lying, just not the whole truth. Not sure what I am going to tell the kids. I want them to learn from my mistakes, just dont know if now is the right time. I am very excited to see them. Not sure what we are going to do. Me and Rae talked about having a non-alcoholic BBQ this weekend if the weather is nice. If not - I might take them on the train - to walk around the arts district downtown or something. I dont want them to be disappointed in me either. I love them so much. Im so ready to see them. Maybe we can just get movies and snuggle together on the couch all weekend and munch on junk food.

Sister just informed me she was planning on something for my birthday. Hmmmm. My birthday, another milestone already? Not until Monday - so we will deal with that then.

Well, its 4 here and everyone has cleared out for Happy hour - just a week ago - I was headed to the exact same place. Wow. It seems like it has been a lot longer than a week. I dont think I like Wednesdays anymore. Skittles and Poopoo. I love my sister.

I love my mom and my Daddy is my best friend. Im gonna go home and give my Dad a big hug, try not to break my mom in half when I hug her and relish in the rewards that God has given me. I pray for peace and clarity.