Work is crazy today. I need this moment to gather my thoughts before my head explodes all over everyone.
Deep breath - in with the good out with the bad. We need a meditation room - I need to convince everyone here to become Buddhist. or smoke pot.
I had a wonderful weekend. The weather was gorgeous and the kids were fantastic. I really enjoyed being outside, which is usually not like me. I planted flowers, mowed, with the help of my son (for nothing in return). Afterwards, I read my book in the backyard, listening to the birds chirp, Abbey Road coming from the house and the kids passing by the window and running in and out the door. I would catch myself in a daze of amazement that it was all mine. This wonderful place and backyard and kids, the sounds and smells. I have earned all of it. I was happy. Still am. That is a good lasting feeling, one that I am learning to keep with me.
I have realized I am possibly maybe trying to fill a void that is not really even there. Just because someone leaves your life, does not mean they are to be replaced. Maybe that position was never meant to be filled. I have felt like I have been "on the look out". Constantly let down. Tired of being let down - so I have decided to stop looking. I remember when I was happy without anyone being there - I can get there again. Cute ones make it hard. Cute charming ones make it harder. But again - maybe that position was never meant to be filled in my company. Maybe my expectations of the possible applicant are just too high. Act like you are interested?? Hmmm nope, I would say that would be right after fill in your name here. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong - maybe I am the one that doesnt fit the position. Hahaha - whatever - I rock, that cant be it.
Over aggressive am I, but honest, loving and faithfull I can be.
Praying for peace, clarity and true companionship.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I slipped and fell.
I am back up.
Geez life is hard and you have to make a lot of decisions everyday. I wish it were easier. It is as easy as you make though I guess.
Smarter decisions:
1. Dont stay out late on weeknights - no matter how good the music or how enchanting the guy - work the next day sucks
3. When the peircing guy says to not drink alcohol with your peircing - dont drink alcohol. My fucking face hurts.
5. Do not drink and drive. I havent, but that is still a smart decision that should be listed.
6. Don't be obsessive, a trait I realize is very unattractive but is sometimes hard to control.
7. Remind yourself periodically what you might look like to other people. Although people tell you should NOT worry about this, recent pictures and video, make me doubt this.
8. Remind myself that one day I will feel strong enough to put 2 and 4 back up there. Just not yet.
9. Keep one day on the weekend to rest and do my grown up responsibilities like laundry and dishes and stuff.
10. Always take atleast one bubble bath during the week.
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.
Praying for peace and clarity and a simple life.
I am back up.
Geez life is hard and you have to make a lot of decisions everyday. I wish it were easier. It is as easy as you make though I guess.
Smarter decisions:
1. Dont stay out late on weeknights - no matter how good the music or how enchanting the guy - work the next day sucks
3. When the peircing guy says to not drink alcohol with your peircing - dont drink alcohol. My fucking face hurts.
5. Do not drink and drive. I havent, but that is still a smart decision that should be listed.
6. Don't be obsessive, a trait I realize is very unattractive but is sometimes hard to control.
7. Remind yourself periodically what you might look like to other people. Although people tell you should NOT worry about this, recent pictures and video, make me doubt this.
8. Remind myself that one day I will feel strong enough to put 2 and 4 back up there. Just not yet.
9. Keep one day on the weekend to rest and do my grown up responsibilities like laundry and dishes and stuff.
10. Always take atleast one bubble bath during the week.
Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.
Praying for peace and clarity and a simple life.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ode to My Little Red Wagon
I was very excited at first
about my little red wagon
I thought "who in the world
wouldn't want to have one"
I took care of my wagon
every single day
It was the first thing I thought of
when I wanted to play
I kept my wagon
looking shiney and new
Keeping it in focus
if I thought I was through
My little red wagon was wonderful
and it made me feel alive
When I rode in my wagon
I felt like I could fly
I showed my wagon off
to all of my friends
But they did not have a little red wagon
and did not want to jump in
Still proud of my little wagon
on two feet I was homebound
Giddy with excitement
Not to be slowed down
The next couple of weeks
my wagon was still like brand new
I rode in my red wagon
Passed by my friends and stopped for a few
I bragged about my wagon
they bragged about their fun
It was a beautiful day out..
I have always had fun in the sun
I looked at my little wagon
and it looked back at me
Little red had been so good
I couldnt just tell it to leave
Making better decisions
since getting my little red wagon
I had to come up with an idea
and I knew I finally had one
I realized my little red wagon
could hold just enough fun in the sun
I could pull it wherever I wanted
and then stop when I wanted to get just one
And so we walked handle and hand
at the end of a gorgeous day
me and my little red wagon
only a little compromise we each had to make
about my little red wagon
I thought "who in the world
wouldn't want to have one"
I took care of my wagon
every single day
It was the first thing I thought of
when I wanted to play
I kept my wagon
looking shiney and new
Keeping it in focus
if I thought I was through
My little red wagon was wonderful
and it made me feel alive
When I rode in my wagon
I felt like I could fly
I showed my wagon off
to all of my friends
But they did not have a little red wagon
and did not want to jump in
Still proud of my little wagon
on two feet I was homebound
Giddy with excitement
Not to be slowed down
The next couple of weeks
my wagon was still like brand new
I rode in my red wagon
Passed by my friends and stopped for a few
I bragged about my wagon
they bragged about their fun
It was a beautiful day out..
I have always had fun in the sun
I looked at my little wagon
and it looked back at me
Little red had been so good
I couldnt just tell it to leave
Making better decisions
since getting my little red wagon
I had to come up with an idea
and I knew I finally had one
I realized my little red wagon
could hold just enough fun in the sun
I could pull it wherever I wanted
and then stop when I wanted to get just one
And so we walked handle and hand
at the end of a gorgeous day
me and my little red wagon
only a little compromise we each had to make
Monday, April 12, 2010
Popeye said it best...
And I am what I am what I am and I am what I am and that's all that I am 'cuz I am what I am.
With age I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I feel more sexy, more confident, more, well, more Mandyish. I like that. Damn it feels good. I have gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage that society said I needed to have; i.e., the boyfriend, the tons of girlfriends, the date nights, the work friends, the drama, blah, blah and blah. I have narrowed by life's list down to only a few - and boy are they a great group of people. They are there when I need them, they are away when I dont, they have my back at all times. My Super Heroes. I want to give them capes and give them all cool names and make a movie about them and call it Kick Ass. Huh? What? That has been done? Shit.
I like being in my 30s. Just a brief pause - I cant for the life of me recall how to spell intellegent < thats not right is it> I cant very well say I am intellegent and spell it wrong can I? Does it just look wrong? Am I missing an i? Daddy - I know you must be proud. Okay - back to where we were. 30s, 33 in particular has been excellent, thanks to soberness and better decision making on my part mainly, but I have realized this IS my time to shine. So like me or not, I am not going to let that bother me anymore. I am not going to waste my time trying to figure out why. I brush the haters off (brush, brush). If only I could have done that in High School. I am sure I would have been shunned by everyone, as I would not have "fit" into any clique that had there, but I would have gotten along a lot better with my sister growing up without listening to peers telling me what I should think, act, dress, talk and feel.
Cheers to Popeye for saying it best, Im ams what I ams and thats what I ams.
Sorry for the randomness and thanks for patience.
Still praying for peace and clarity.
With age I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I feel more sexy, more confident, more, well, more Mandyish. I like that. Damn it feels good. I have gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage that society said I needed to have; i.e., the boyfriend, the tons of girlfriends, the date nights, the work friends, the drama, blah, blah and blah. I have narrowed by life's list down to only a few - and boy are they a great group of people. They are there when I need them, they are away when I dont, they have my back at all times. My Super Heroes. I want to give them capes and give them all cool names and make a movie about them and call it Kick Ass. Huh? What? That has been done? Shit.
I like being in my 30s. Just a brief pause - I cant for the life of me recall how to spell intellegent < thats not right is it> I cant very well say I am intellegent and spell it wrong can I? Does it just look wrong? Am I missing an i? Daddy - I know you must be proud. Okay - back to where we were. 30s, 33 in particular has been excellent, thanks to soberness and better decision making on my part mainly, but I have realized this IS my time to shine. So like me or not, I am not going to let that bother me anymore. I am not going to waste my time trying to figure out why. I brush the haters off (brush, brush). If only I could have done that in High School. I am sure I would have been shunned by everyone, as I would not have "fit" into any clique that had there, but I would have gotten along a lot better with my sister growing up without listening to peers telling me what I should think, act, dress, talk and feel.
Cheers to Popeye for saying it best, Im ams what I ams and thats what I ams.
Sorry for the randomness and thanks for patience.
Still praying for peace and clarity.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Otis Spunkmeyer The Muffin
They call me Otis. And I like it.
Today has been over the top stressful. My shoulders feel like they are pinned up by my ears, and my back is one huge knot. Work has been crazy with the new system change and I wish I could help everyone that needs it. I had to leave at regular time today due to the throbbing in my eye sockets. I totally plan to go in there tomorrow and clean everyone's desk off. I hate leaving people stressed, it only makes my shoulders higher and tighter.
I want to get this week out of the way and get the kids, hopefully I will get to sneak a peek at the baby brother as well. I doubt I will be able to lay a hand on him, but a look would be nice.
I got my car back!!!! All in one piece! It cost pretty much what the car itself cost, but it is here, and I will pay my parents back. I unfortunately cant drive it just yet. I am currently paying on the ticket from a year and a half ago that will not let me renew my dr lic until paid off. So I get to pass by my car every morning as I walk to the bus. I made my parents keep the keys and the car at their house, as to avoid any temptation to drive. I WILL have a valid dr lic before getting behind the wheel. Good decision, Otis.
I was talking to my Mom earlier about my CD collection and we started talking about the vinyls we have. Now I really want a record player. Maybe even more than I want my next tattoo. I would love to hear the Beatles on vinyl. Who was telling me about illegal copies of the Beatles records on Xrays, was it Robert Miguel, cause Rock n Roll was outlawed somewhere? Damn Otis - you have to remember the whole story next time..... Anyway, I am going to look through all my records tonight and decide; tattoo or record player?
I pray for calmness and relaxation tonight along with my peace and clarity.
Otis out.
Today has been over the top stressful. My shoulders feel like they are pinned up by my ears, and my back is one huge knot. Work has been crazy with the new system change and I wish I could help everyone that needs it. I had to leave at regular time today due to the throbbing in my eye sockets. I totally plan to go in there tomorrow and clean everyone's desk off. I hate leaving people stressed, it only makes my shoulders higher and tighter.
I want to get this week out of the way and get the kids, hopefully I will get to sneak a peek at the baby brother as well. I doubt I will be able to lay a hand on him, but a look would be nice.
I got my car back!!!! All in one piece! It cost pretty much what the car itself cost, but it is here, and I will pay my parents back. I unfortunately cant drive it just yet. I am currently paying on the ticket from a year and a half ago that will not let me renew my dr lic until paid off. So I get to pass by my car every morning as I walk to the bus. I made my parents keep the keys and the car at their house, as to avoid any temptation to drive. I WILL have a valid dr lic before getting behind the wheel. Good decision, Otis.
I was talking to my Mom earlier about my CD collection and we started talking about the vinyls we have. Now I really want a record player. Maybe even more than I want my next tattoo. I would love to hear the Beatles on vinyl. Who was telling me about illegal copies of the Beatles records on Xrays, was it Robert Miguel, cause Rock n Roll was outlawed somewhere? Damn Otis - you have to remember the whole story next time..... Anyway, I am going to look through all my records tonight and decide; tattoo or record player?
I pray for calmness and relaxation tonight along with my peace and clarity.
Otis out.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The weekend started out like a beacon of hope for me, living up to my full expectations on Friday night. A fine night. Rae met me at work and we then proceeded to Deep Ellum to partake in the festivites. The weather was impeccable, the atmosphere inspiring. Music, art and friendship abound. Everything I could have asked for on one street laid out before me.
I finally got to meet Rae's friend she has been raving about, and he was everything and more. The three of us strolled along taking in the sights, listening to the music. Rae's friend bought her a birthday present, a ticket for her and me to go with him to The House of Blues to see Steel Panther. Hands down one of the best live shows I have ever seen! Tony Romo was there, apparently a huge fan of theirs. It was a thrilling night in which Rachel and I molested a Greek God. He was a beautiful creature who unfortunately had to suffer through some butt grabbing when the lights went down. He didnt move, he couldnt have minded that much. We did leave the Steel Panther show a little early to make sure and catch From Us to You at the curtain club back in Deep Ellum. And well, what can I say, it was a great ending to a great night. Rae, molesting the Greek God WAY more than me, did experience a little Karma that night. Haha. Dont slow dance with drunk men ladies, something just might "pop up". Haha. Poor Rachel was horrified and damn near didnt move anymore for the rest of the night. Haha. I was in awe, and even sober, still looked stalkerish over the music, and in one person in particular. I couldnt help it, I tried, Lord help me I tried. Rae tried to help me too, but to no avail. I had to bare witness right in front, granted I was the only one for like a good 20 feet, but I couldnt move.
After the show, we went home and slept, and slept some more. Somehow knowing that nothing would be able to even come close to being even somewhat comparable to the previous night's events, we slept some more.
I called to wish Tyler and Gracie Happy Easter on Sunday and found out that they were now a new brother and sister to a baby boy. I hope they remain as excited as they were yesterday or know that they can come home where they will always be my babies. I dont think Gray is going to fare well with this, but I wish the best for everyone. As Rachel experienced in the early hours of Saturday morning, Karma can be a BITCH, so I hope their dad is prepared for whatever happens.
In keeping with this weekend's theme, I was inspired to write - also inspired by the lack of man to woman contact, but that is neither here nor there:
Internal Bliss
Sweaty hands and clinched fists
turning bodies, arms and legs in a tangled twist
The room is humid and our bodies drenched
This lover's dream seems to far fetched
I breathe you in and exhale you out
Your breath on my skin up to my mouth
Lips pressed and our hands slide
Exhaling once again as our hips collide
Crazy madness running through my veins
The way you feel drives me insane
One last exhalation and the moment is over
Still pressed together, reliving the story
Steaming passion now a goodbye kiss
I will remember always tonight's Internal Bliss
~~M.McCormack
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity. I also pray for those that I love to experience the same.
I finally got to meet Rae's friend she has been raving about, and he was everything and more. The three of us strolled along taking in the sights, listening to the music. Rae's friend bought her a birthday present, a ticket for her and me to go with him to The House of Blues to see Steel Panther. Hands down one of the best live shows I have ever seen! Tony Romo was there, apparently a huge fan of theirs. It was a thrilling night in which Rachel and I molested a Greek God. He was a beautiful creature who unfortunately had to suffer through some butt grabbing when the lights went down. He didnt move, he couldnt have minded that much. We did leave the Steel Panther show a little early to make sure and catch From Us to You at the curtain club back in Deep Ellum. And well, what can I say, it was a great ending to a great night. Rae, molesting the Greek God WAY more than me, did experience a little Karma that night. Haha. Dont slow dance with drunk men ladies, something just might "pop up". Haha. Poor Rachel was horrified and damn near didnt move anymore for the rest of the night. Haha. I was in awe, and even sober, still looked stalkerish over the music, and in one person in particular. I couldnt help it, I tried, Lord help me I tried. Rae tried to help me too, but to no avail. I had to bare witness right in front, granted I was the only one for like a good 20 feet, but I couldnt move.
After the show, we went home and slept, and slept some more. Somehow knowing that nothing would be able to even come close to being even somewhat comparable to the previous night's events, we slept some more.
I called to wish Tyler and Gracie Happy Easter on Sunday and found out that they were now a new brother and sister to a baby boy. I hope they remain as excited as they were yesterday or know that they can come home where they will always be my babies. I dont think Gray is going to fare well with this, but I wish the best for everyone. As Rachel experienced in the early hours of Saturday morning, Karma can be a BITCH, so I hope their dad is prepared for whatever happens.
In keeping with this weekend's theme, I was inspired to write - also inspired by the lack of man to woman contact, but that is neither here nor there:
Internal Bliss
Sweaty hands and clinched fists
turning bodies, arms and legs in a tangled twist
The room is humid and our bodies drenched
This lover's dream seems to far fetched
I breathe you in and exhale you out
Your breath on my skin up to my mouth
Lips pressed and our hands slide
Exhaling once again as our hips collide
Crazy madness running through my veins
The way you feel drives me insane
One last exhalation and the moment is over
Still pressed together, reliving the story
Steaming passion now a goodbye kiss
I will remember always tonight's Internal Bliss
~~M.McCormack
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity. I also pray for those that I love to experience the same.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Friday Night Lights
Yeah its the weekend! And I get to go out on a date with my Rae Rae!!! Hey hey! We have plans all weekend - I am so excited! It is going to be a wonderful way to end a wonderful week. But first I must tell about the end of my most fabulous day yesterday. I left work a little early so I could enjoy the evening at home. The bus/train ride was nice, the weather was beuatiful and I enjoyed the walk. I stopped by my Mom and Dad's before retiring to the house. I told them of the fabulous day I had, and spoke of the control I had gained over myself. I even told them that I thought that I believed I could possible someday have A (one) beer some time down the road. They did not like that. They explained that is what every alcoholic says and how they get in trouble again. I knew they were right. I didnt want them to be, oh how I didnt want them to be, but I knew they were. I really thought my voice sounded strong and convincing, but I guess you cant fool a parent, even when you are 32. I went home and rethought my thoughts. I really do feel better than what I ever have, and well I am just not ready to give that up yet, not even for beer. I did however lay awake in bed rationalizing to myself in what type of circumstance in would be Ok to have a beer. I realized what I was doing, closed my eyes, prayed for God to LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, and went to sleep.
Today has been wonderful as well, still feeling the greatness and lightness of whatever this feeling is and enjoying every moment I have. Rae is picking me up after work and we are going to Deep Ellum for the beginning of the arts festival. My band, yes, MY band, the Beatles tribute - From Us to You - will be playing at the Curtain Club down there tonight!!! Tea for me! I am excited to be there and hear them play and remember everything they sing! It will be nice to be outside and be around the wonders of art and music surrounding all your senses. I will enjoy that most.
I have won yet another battle, but not the war. I fight everyday, I fight hard and without mercy against this. I want this happiness to last as long as I can make it. This ride I am on is beautiful, the scenery, something out of a fairy tale, one with a happy ending I refuse to let go of. I am feeling more at peace and seeing more clearly. I continue to pray for peace and clarity and I thank God for giving me the strength to fight.
Today has been wonderful as well, still feeling the greatness and lightness of whatever this feeling is and enjoying every moment I have. Rae is picking me up after work and we are going to Deep Ellum for the beginning of the arts festival. My band, yes, MY band, the Beatles tribute - From Us to You - will be playing at the Curtain Club down there tonight!!! Tea for me! I am excited to be there and hear them play and remember everything they sing! It will be nice to be outside and be around the wonders of art and music surrounding all your senses. I will enjoy that most.
I have won yet another battle, but not the war. I fight everyday, I fight hard and without mercy against this. I want this happiness to last as long as I can make it. This ride I am on is beautiful, the scenery, something out of a fairy tale, one with a happy ending I refuse to let go of. I am feeling more at peace and seeing more clearly. I continue to pray for peace and clarity and I thank God for giving me the strength to fight.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Freedom Rings
Ahhhh. I feel free today. Everything about me feels good. My outlook on life is a glowing light in the near future within my grasp. I am very excited about everything. I have not felt this way in a very long time. I forgot about this feeling. I for so long drowned my fears and misery in alcohol that I was either drunk or hungover that I forgot how this feeling felt. I feel clear, intelligent, direct, happy. I feel like I know what I want and like I have a chance to get it. I do not feel like I am so bogged down in past bad decisions that I can not get ahead. The air in my lungs feels cleaner and lighter. People around me seem easier and funnier. Problems seem less hopeless and more solveable (is that a word?).
I am listening to Dave Matthews right now and he makes me feel freer. Thank you Dave. I think we would be a good match. Music has and will always be a beautiful outlet for me. It expresses so well the feelings of the day. One of the best scenes in a movie is in Jerry McGuire, after he quit his corporate job and thought he got the contract with the young QB. He was driving in the car, very excited, and was listening to the radio, but he couldnt find a song that expressed his excitement at that time, he kept changing the station, nothing, then he came upon Tom Petty and Free Falling. That was it, and he sang. Dave is doing that for me right now. Thank you again Dave. Crash into me Dave.
I would not trade this feeling for anything in the world. The problems that three weeks ago I was drinking away, seem a million miles away, and very insignificant right now. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have lots of plans. I hope the weather is going to be nice. Rae is going to come over and we might go somewhere and do something artsy via the train. I am excited to see her! I would love to go sit on a patio and listen to some music. Enjoy the weekend all I can, soak up every breath and everyday that God gives me.
I am in love with today!
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity.
I am listening to Dave Matthews right now and he makes me feel freer. Thank you Dave. I think we would be a good match. Music has and will always be a beautiful outlet for me. It expresses so well the feelings of the day. One of the best scenes in a movie is in Jerry McGuire, after he quit his corporate job and thought he got the contract with the young QB. He was driving in the car, very excited, and was listening to the radio, but he couldnt find a song that expressed his excitement at that time, he kept changing the station, nothing, then he came upon Tom Petty and Free Falling. That was it, and he sang. Dave is doing that for me right now. Thank you again Dave. Crash into me Dave.
I would not trade this feeling for anything in the world. The problems that three weeks ago I was drinking away, seem a million miles away, and very insignificant right now. I am looking forward to the weekend. I have lots of plans. I hope the weather is going to be nice. Rae is going to come over and we might go somewhere and do something artsy via the train. I am excited to see her! I would love to go sit on a patio and listen to some music. Enjoy the weekend all I can, soak up every breath and everyday that God gives me.
I am in love with today!
I continue to pray for this coming peace and clarity.
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