Day 12

I have sat here in front of the computer for about 15 minutes staring blankly, thinking about what to write. I am tired, I am frustrated and I want a beer. I do not want to get drunk, but I do want a beer. I wish that people would not talk about me to other people as if I were a fictional charater in a book they were reading. That was random I know. I am writing my thoughts because that is what this is for. I am a real person with real problems, if you have questions, ask me, not my friends. You will learn more about me reading this than asking anyone I know anyway.

Went to Sisters last night and it was the first time I had been around alcohol in such a personal setting since stopping drinking. As she poured herself a glass of wine, I could feel my face become flush and my hands begin to sweat. I am not really a wine drinker, so I concentrated on the thought of it probably not tasting very good. I am glad she carried on with her nightly routine and I was proud of myself for resisting any temptations. The food was delicious, the company fantastic. On the way home, Sister stopped by a conv. store for me to get change for the bus the next day. Outside, a young man was holding a case of Natty Light. I saw him as soon as we pulled up. My heart began to pound inside my chest. I got nervous, fumbling around for my purse. It really amazes me how prevalent alcohol is in today's society. Its everywhere I go now, yet three weeks ago, it seemed that I could never find it when i wanted it. Everyone talks about it, its sold everywhere, its advertised everywhere. It really makes you want a beer.

I have come to the conclusion that once I get a better handle on my problems, that I will occasionally be able to go out and have a drink with my friends, but will never let it escalate to what it was. That is, of course, once I can get my life together. I am not there yet by any means, not even close, yet so much closer than 2 weeks ago. I continue to pray for peace and clarity.