This is me

I have recently encountered some weird behavior and it has baffled me over the last few days, to say the least. Needless to say with my obsessive personality, it has consumed my thoughts for days. It has not made me angry or sad, just bewildered. I do not think I have ever experienced this to such a degree. I am proud of myself for the emotional control but am still left in wonderment of what could have possibly happened. The only thing I can think of is that maybe this person finally delved in a little deeper to my facebook and blogs and were "scared" with what they saw and read. Again, I can only assume, but I know they are still alive and I know the method of communication in which we were using is still available to them, which only leaves me to guess. I am not sure why I am wasting my time wondering, well, because it is a direct relection of me and how I am perceived, that might be it. But wow, could that really be it? Am I that insane and scarey to just be ignored like so many do the homeless on the street? Am I merely a bath a bed and a job from being "that lady", or am I already "that lady". I, for just a moment's flash, thought of deleting this little home of mine, thinking maybe it is too much, but no, this is me. If it scares you, amuzes and entertains you, comforts you, or simply confuses you, this is me. I seriously thought I was just writing down what most people hid in their own souls, but maybe I am a little more off kilter than others, and if so - I am okay with that, this is me.

I can sense the disappointment in people around me for my loss in sobriety. Please understand that at this time I am not ashamed of what I am doing. I will not make excuses for myself or my drinking, but I will, and have, taken responsibility for my actions, which is a lot more than I have done in the past. I have a new ownership of my life. It is mine and I will do with it what I want, not what people expect. I will love the people I want to love, believe what I want to believe and stop struggling to try and fit some predetermined mold. I feel like for the majority of my life I have tried so hard at being what everyone else thinks I should be instead of living as who I am, and that is why I have lived so long feeling like a failure. This is me. I am living me successfully, a little more everyday. I have and am still making mistakes along the way, one I realized this morning. I will be making an effort this week to correct that mistake.

I did go see my bean counter, just the one time, and do feel like I gained some insight. Apparently I have anxiety issues, who knew? Because I really didnt know. Rachel agreed right away. Haha. It was a shock to me. Anyway - I have had to cancel my last 2 appointment due to financial issues, but would like to go and see him again. I have been trying to "keep things in the middle" as he would say. I know a lot of my anxiety has to do with the kids and them leaving. I need to find forgiveness for everyone for that. That will be a life's struggle I have a feeling.

But anywho, This is me. I am sorry if I scare you. My intention is only to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Putting it on a blog is just something I do, because that's just me : )

Damaged Goods

Like a dented can of ranch style beans at the grocery store. You know the one, the one the stock boy always puts at the front, hoping it will be absent mindedly picked up and taken out, only to be handled and pushed to the side for the 'good can'. So the beans are a little stirred and shaken - they are still beans. But I guess why have a dented can when you can have a 'good can', right?

Well, I am having my beans taken in tomorrow to get evaluated. Pouring all my beans out of the can and seeing what happens next. Im a little nervous, scared, excited. Not sure what to hope for. Like I told my Mom and Dad, I am not hoping to start liking the world, just to be able to start surviving in my own head.

I am guarded with who i have in my life right now, and would be totally cut off if it wasnt for Rachel. She has convinced me that some sense of genuinality (Im sure that is a word)still exists in some people out there and told me not delete them out of my life just yet. I will believe this because I belive in her. She is my soul survivor right now. I love her for being her, for being good, for being from N carolina and for being my true friend. It is a true shame more people cannot be like her.

So although I do not believe whole heartedly in medical science, (I believe we should live until the ripe old age of 25,like in the Bible days, when marriages lasted and happiness was forever - but that is another blog another time)here's to my dr appt tomorrow. My wrapper may appear nicer, but my can will always be dented and my beans always a little shaken.