Day 12

I have sat here in front of the computer for about 15 minutes staring blankly, thinking about what to write. I am tired, I am frustrated and I want a beer. I do not want to get drunk, but I do want a beer. I wish that people would not talk about me to other people as if I were a fictional charater in a book they were reading. That was random I know. I am writing my thoughts because that is what this is for. I am a real person with real problems, if you have questions, ask me, not my friends. You will learn more about me reading this than asking anyone I know anyway.

Went to Sisters last night and it was the first time I had been around alcohol in such a personal setting since stopping drinking. As she poured herself a glass of wine, I could feel my face become flush and my hands begin to sweat. I am not really a wine drinker, so I concentrated on the thought of it probably not tasting very good. I am glad she carried on with her nightly routine and I was proud of myself for resisting any temptations. The food was delicious, the company fantastic. On the way home, Sister stopped by a conv. store for me to get change for the bus the next day. Outside, a young man was holding a case of Natty Light. I saw him as soon as we pulled up. My heart began to pound inside my chest. I got nervous, fumbling around for my purse. It really amazes me how prevalent alcohol is in today's society. Its everywhere I go now, yet three weeks ago, it seemed that I could never find it when i wanted it. Everyone talks about it, its sold everywhere, its advertised everywhere. It really makes you want a beer.

I have come to the conclusion that once I get a better handle on my problems, that I will occasionally be able to go out and have a drink with my friends, but will never let it escalate to what it was. That is, of course, once I can get my life together. I am not there yet by any means, not even close, yet so much closer than 2 weeks ago. I continue to pray for peace and clarity.

What a Weekend!

Had the kids this weekend, which explains the lack of blogging - spent all my time with them! My parents drove me to pick them up on Friday. I met their sunshiney faces with a huge smile and warm hugs. They brought me roses and a card for my birthday, too sweet. The roses were as beautiful as their smiles and I couldnt wait to get them all home to brighten up the house. As soon as they got in the car, the catching up began. A clattering a voices telling me, Nana and Papa of the weeks events and what happened over Spring Break came spilling out of their excited little lips. I had to convince them to talk one at a time and to be patient with each other so I could hear each story. I am still not quite sure I got everything, but I am glad they had a good time!

We went to bed early Friday night to prepare for the early day on Saturday. We were getting up to go the movies. I was taking them on the bus to get there. Gracie was thrilled, Tyler, a little timid.

We woke that morning ready to go, off to the bus stop we went. Gracie did not care who or what was going on around her, she was just enjoying the ride, Tyler was eyeing everyone and everything as if they were about to attack. Poor thing, I know I did this to him. When he was young I warned him about everything. Maybe I was a tad bit over protective.

We watched 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid" because Tyler had read all the books and wanted to see the movie. I was pleased to hear after the movie, that he enjoyed the books better. Thats a good sign. We rode the bus to the train and then took the train downtown and walked around the West End. It was a beautiful day, so we decided to eat lunch out on a patio somewhere downtown. My luck - the children chose Gators. Now I have been to Gators before, just never to eat. I asked a few more times if they were sure THAT is where they wanted to eat and pointed out several different locations. By now I am guessing you have figured out I did not discuss the wreck or jail with the kids. They insisted on Gators. And so we went to Gators, no outside seating, just inside, by the bar. I would say that 98% of the people in there were not there to eat, but enjoying the afternoon with a nice glass of beer with their friends in the West End. I sat at the table and watched what seemed like an endless supply of beer get carried by me. I had nachos and iced tea. Tyler had a burger, Gray had a corn dog. It was good. I had another glass of iced tea, let the kids finish their lunch and enjoyed my surroundings. Not as bad as what I had imagined, but Thank goodness they wasnt a live band playing. I had survived my first "bar type" non alcohol drinking experience. Toward the days end I experienced a few stressors that would have normally caused me to go and buy me a 30 pack, baby daddy drama, but I survived that as well, with some encouraging words from my Mom and Dad. My Dad even walked down to the house to make sure I was Okay. I love my Dad for this.

Sunday, my Mom and Dad fixed lunch for my birthday and my sister and Tom came over. It was a great lunch. We sat and talked about good things and I think we all enjoyed ourselves. Its nice when that happens. When everyone is on the same level and is enjoying talking. I am glad Sister found Tom. He compliments her very well, while at the same time grounding her. I like them together, and well I just like him, and that is just something I normally dont do. I get to go over to their house tonight for my birthday dinner. I am excited.

I am 33 today. I finally have an optimistic outlook on my future because I have taken control and responsibily of my life. I am proud of myself today. If God graces me with a tomorrow, I know I will be proud of myself then too. I am thankful for the friends that have contacted me and given me words of wisdom and courage through this time. I am proud that they are proud. I love my family. I am 33 today. I pray for peace and clarity.

This Time Last Week

I was in Jail, wondering what was to become of me and my life. There were little moments when I just wanted to stay in there or die and not deal with anything anymore. It seemed easier than being out and facing responsibilities, accepting the mistakes I had made, apologizing to the people I had hurt. I just wanted to vanish. I am glad that I didn't. Even though this week has been rough, I have learned that I have a lot to live for and even more to look forward to.

I tried to read some books last night that my Dad gave me like a year ago. Philosophy type books, I got to page 5 and realized that I really had no idea what they were trying to say. I like to think I am an intelligent person, maybe not. I really think these people just tried to fit as many big complicated words into one sentence as they could, over and over and over again. They succeeded and in the process confused the hell out of me. On a good note, it put me to sleep and I slept reeeaaaaalllly good last night. Some of the best sleep I have had in a long time. I decided to take a more simplistic read on the bus, so I went with Angels and Demons. Made the bus ride this morning a tad more pleasant, started recognizing my stops better today, which also made it more pleasant and a little faster.

Rae is coming over tonight and I am looking forward to seeing her. I havent seen her since I got out of jail. She is going to bring over chicken and we are going to watch 'MILK'. Hopefully it will be good, if not I will have to make her watch Across the Universe again. This will be a really hard night for me cause Thursday is a BIG go OUT and "GET DRUNK" night for me. And I had just found this great Beatles tribute band that I absolutly adore, From Us to You. They play every Thursday night, right down the road from my house. I am in love with John Lennon, well its not actually John Lennon and this guy is way cuter. He is adorable. I may have been a tad too forward in telling him all of this, one of those bad drunk moments, he could possibly think I am a stalker. But - Oh they are great. I have so much fun when I go - well too much fun which is why I cant go. blah and skittles and poopoo. and tonight they are finally playing my favorite song, I am the Walrus, not fair, but its what I get right.... Big skittles and lots of poopoo. I guess I should say in this case, chicken and milk.

I am the eggman - you are the eggman, I am the walrus -coocoocachoo.
I pray for peace and clarity. (and to get by with a little help from my friends)

Skittles and PooPoo

Wow! One week. Yeah for me. I have made a lot of changes in the last week, and a lot more are in store. I would love to say I am feeling great and loving life and in some brief, fleeting moments, I am, but I believe the mental part of my addiction is beginning to take hold on me. I have always been able to go a few days without drinking and be on the straight and narrow, but then will need to go out, or stay home, but irregardless, beer would be involved. I am in that mode now. I have that itch that needs to be scratched. My regular routine is now being messed with. It makes my shoulders tense. I am fine at work, but home is difficult. It isnt that I dont like being alone, honestly I dont want anyone there, it is just that I am used to drinking at that time, and now I cant. I have to stay busy, but get frustrated easily. I try to go to bed early but can not sleep. I even woke up this morning before my alarm clock went off, and my alarm is set for 4:45am....and I didnt go back to sleep.

My main question now is 'will I ever get to drink again'? I want to fix everything so I can atleast have one. I am sure that is what every alcoholic says, right? I drink a lot of water now. Thats good I quess. Maybe I will drink that non-alcoholic stuff, I am pretty sure I am allowed to do that. I might try that; O'douls I think its called.

I rode the bus again and it was even easier than yesterday. I have learned that even though I dont like people, I am way nicer than most of the other people that ride the bus and train. I think the nice ladies yesterday were just my guardians so I wouldnt be so scared on my first day. They werent there today, only mean people. I am taking a book tomorrow so I dont have to look at anyone.

Everyone is talking about drinking today, its just one of those days. Skittles and Poopoo.

I get the kids this weekend! If asshole will bring them to me. I have not told him what happened, just the car is in the shop, so no lying, just not the whole truth. Not sure what I am going to tell the kids. I want them to learn from my mistakes, just dont know if now is the right time. I am very excited to see them. Not sure what we are going to do. Me and Rae talked about having a non-alcoholic BBQ this weekend if the weather is nice. If not - I might take them on the train - to walk around the arts district downtown or something. I dont want them to be disappointed in me either. I love them so much. Im so ready to see them. Maybe we can just get movies and snuggle together on the couch all weekend and munch on junk food.

Sister just informed me she was planning on something for my birthday. Hmmmm. My birthday, another milestone already? Not until Monday - so we will deal with that then.

Well, its 4 here and everyone has cleared out for Happy hour - just a week ago - I was headed to the exact same place. Wow. It seems like it has been a lot longer than a week. I dont think I like Wednesdays anymore. Skittles and Poopoo. I love my sister.

I love my mom and my Daddy is my best friend. Im gonna go home and give my Dad a big hug, try not to break my mom in half when I hug her and relish in the rewards that God has given me. I pray for peace and clarity.

Day 6

This will be the longest continuous period I have not had a drink of alcohol in over 2 years.

Last night was my first night back at my house and back to being by myself. I was having some hesitation about going back because I knew there was a beer in my fridge. Not SOME beer, but A beer. I wasnt exactly sure how I was going to react to this situation alone, but I did want to know I could do it alone. When I was away from the house, it seemed simple - just go and pour it out but as my Dad dropped me off at my house, it was all I could think about. That beer. How good it would taste, how cold it would be, I could feel it going down. I unlocked my door, unpacked my things and immediately started cleaning my house, scared as to what would happen if I sat still for one second. How could one beer have this much control over a persons life. One beer. I finally gathered the courage up to open the fridge door.

There it was.

It was like a cruel joke. It was the only thing on the top shelf. The light was reflecting oh so softly off the can. It was beautiful. I grabbed the can, it was cold and felt really good against my clammy hand. I held it for awhile and then placed it on the counter and walked away. I went to clean my bedroom debating on the consequences of just having one beer. What would be the big deal, its just ONE beer; do I want to ruin all of this over just ONE beer. This may seem miniscule to some, but this was my LAST beer. Part of me felt like I deserved a last beer, the other part of me felt like I deserved nothing at all. I went with the nothing at all part, went back to kitchen to commence the pouring out of the beer. I scooped that beer right off the counter and opened it right up.

AAAAHHHH. There is was. That sound. PSssss. Then the steamy smokey stuff that comes pouring out of the top. And the can was sooo cold. I then caught a glimpse of myself in the kitchen window smelling my beer. EEWW, not a good look. I walked straight into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, right in the eyes, and poured my last beer down the sink. I felt really good for a second and then I cried for about an hour. I felt this rush of anger and sadness come over me. This release, but no disappointment. It was really hard. I am proud of myself today.

Oh oh, another thing Im proud of...who rode the bus today? I rode the bus today!!! I got up at 5 this morning so I would make sure to leave the house by 6. I was so nervous and scared I could have thrown up like 4 times, but I walked to my bus stop and was picked up unharmed by 6:30. I got to the train station not sure what to do next when a little, older lady asked me where the train was headed. Poor thing, asking me!! I am glad she asked, otherwise I would not have asked the man sitting on the train if it was headed in the right direction and we would have both been screwed. This was the little lady's first time riding the train as well, she was going to jury duty for the day. As we boarded the half empty train, I sat next to her and another nice older lady. She was Indian, the other Asian. We settled in, and I began to wonder what made people congregate, or sit next to one another like we do, like in a train or a dr office, when we dont know each other. How does one pick, and why did I pick these two ladies, they surely would not be able to help me with any directional problems and questions I had. Soon everyone was settled in and the train took off. I look on either side of me at the two ladies and each one removes a book from their purse, one a book of prayer, the other, how God affects you life. I smile. I know exactly why I chose these two to sit by. They are my Mom. I was in an uncomfortable situation and they made me for comfortable. I look at them again. Both so frail and vulnerable, warm and welcoming, quiet and composed. I now know why my mom had me read from The Koran. When you have good thoughts and feelings surround you, you begin to portray and welcome that type of behavior, just like my mom and just like these two women. I love my Mom for this.

My Daddy got my car to the mechanic today who did not write the car off as a loss as soon as he saw it...good thing! We should learn more tomorrow. Please oh please let it be fixable.

Getting out of Jail: $200.00
Getting car out of impound: $286.00
Getting rid of the last temptation : $1.40
Getting another chance: PRICELESS

I pray for peace and clarity.

Day 5

Monday - yeah! Nice to be at work - having something to occupy my time is very nice! And being at work not hungover is actually pretty cool. I have gotten a lot done today. I did not have to ride the bus today. Because it was cold - my Dad decided to take me and pick me up. BUT, I will be picking up my weekly pass tonight and riding tomorrow. Weird - but I am nervous. I know I must sound like a spoiled brat - but I have never had to do something like this before so Im kinda scared. I will have to make several transfers and do some walking. I know most of you are thinking "cry baby", but this is all new to me.

In the last couple of days I have tried to determine what my drinking "problem" is. I see most people go out and drink and have fun, which on the outside does look like what I am doing, but truthfully, it is only when I drink that I do not feel disappointed in myself. Strange but true. My life is not what I planned it out to be and alcohol numbs that memory. Just wipes it away momentarily and makes everything sugarplums and lollipops for awhile. That is until I wake up either in a wrecked car, next to someone I dont want to be next to, or simply hungover in bed by myself. Point being, it never seems to last long enough, which is why I started doing it longer with fewer rest stops in between. According to my Mom and Dad I am not a disappointment, I just need to convince myself of that. I feel like I have failed at most everything I have tried, school, marriage, motherhood, career,etc. I need a goal, I need to figure what that goal is going to be. I know I need to start small. Not drinking sounds like a good goal. Being a good friend is another one I will try.

I have realized in my few days of sobriety how many peoples lives I have affected and it pains me deeply. Not only those immediately around me and those I consider my close friends - but those I did not even think about, because of the decisions I made while drinking or the things I did to go out and drink; it affected others in ways I couldnt even fathom until now, when the dust has settled and I have seen some of the damage. To you, I apologize. I know I owe you this face to face and trust me this will come in time.

I have also realized that this story itself has hurt some people and apologize for that as well. I mean no harm, only to tell my story as truthfully as I can. Lead me not into temptation. I pray for peace and clarity.

Day 4

Did not wake up until 1pm today, after a night of watching movies with Mom, Dad and Samone. Samone was a friendly and welcoming face to see last night. Not sure if she knows of what happened but she is accepting of all my flaws nonetheless. I spent the day determing what bus routes to take for the upcoming week. Finally got it figured out with the help of my Dad, hopefully there will not be too much walking, although I could use the exercise. I then went on the hunt for my car. I had to get the release papers from the police department and then trek out to the impound. (Sidenote: I do not like knowing where the police impound is, I could have gone my entire life not knowing that one fact)And did anyone else notice it was freezing cold today? I found my car, not as bad as what I thought it was. My Dad said while I was at work tomorrow he would call to see if he could find a mechanic to repair it for a reasonable price and if so, we would get it towed tomorrow afternoon. Maybe the bus adventure wont have to last as long as I had thought. I am hoping the car can be fixed, please oh please let it be fixed. The car started without hesitation - I believe it is just the front axel that will need to be fixed.

My Mom made me read some of the Koran today, The Believers and The Counsel. Speaking of those who believe will relish in the rewards of Allah and those who ridicule and forsake Him will of course burn in Hell. I am at a loss as to what to write after this because I am not sure why she had me read this. I am a good person. My decisions are not always good, and I know it will be extrememly hard for me to change them, but I do believe I am a good person. She did stress that she was not trying to preach to me, but that this was her way of helping. I love my Mom for this.

Some of you may wonder why I am writing all of this for you to read. It is therapeutic for me. I have promised myself to write the truth, even if only I read it. I know I can go back and know it is the truth and either be proud or disappointed, but no matter, it is there - in writing. I can not change it to how I want to remember it - it is there - in black and white. I want to be proud of myself more than I want anyone else to be proud of me and this is one way I know how to do it. So thank you to those of you who take the time to read and follow and even those who dont, because I know I will.

I feel better on Day 4, as I know how I am going to get to work (thank you Dart) my car is not as bad as it seemed 3 days ago, I still have a job, I know I have friends and family who love and support me, and I know I have another chance tomorrow. I have been given a one way ticket out of hell and I am taking it with no questions asked this time, no scenic routes, no bathroom breaks, no reststops. I pray for peace and clarity.

Preface

I guess I should catch you up on how I got here to begin with. Im not sure it can all fit into one writing session but here's a start.

I grew up in a same town, less than 1000 people, where literally everyone knew everyone and everyone was OK with that becasue we didnt know any better. Small town, small problems, huge drama.

I grew up a very shy girl, tall, odd, lanky, until growing into my skin in high school where i became more sociable and atheletic. Sociable meaning going "uptown" and drinking. More atheletic meaning the only reason I wanted to go to regionals in track as a sophomore was because I heard of the drunken parties I missed out on as a freshman. Alcohol has since been a driving force in my life.

I then went to college on a scholorship for track where I met a totally different group of people who drank a totally different way. This, at first, sent me into a tailspin of depression and confusion in which I focused on academia and atheletics, going home whenever I could and staying with old friends whenever possible. My parents, not thinking this was correct behavior of a college freshman being introduced to a whole new world, sent me to our family dr convinced of hereditary depression. I was then medicated and drinking, which to my parents satisfaction, no longer with my old small town friends, but the new adventurous college ones. I soon started skipping and failing classes, lying to get out of failing, getting into trouble with my coaches and then soon enough I met my ultimate demise.....my soon to be ex husband.

I met him through a dormmate that said we would be perfect together, and after our first drunken blind date, I had fallen in love and he said he had as well. Followed shortly by me quitting track, then college, moving in together, getting pregnant and of course the inevitable marriage vows.

With pregnancy there was no more medication or alcohol, but I was high on love for the first time in my life and it mattered not to me. After my little fat, Tyler Cole, was born, all of that changed. I did start drinking again, but thought I did not need medication. Life as a mother and wife at age 20 was very difficult so when I could, I drank more, hiding all of this under social drinking of course. My husband, not wanting to be a husband, was a great father, but lacking in everything else, husband, provider, friend, etc. He verbally abused me everyday to the point I became anorexic to become the person I once was and the person "he fell in love with". Like thats not gonna make you wanna drink more, but of course none of this was good enough and at the sweet young age of my baby's 3 mo bday - me and asshole departed. With many fights, heartbreaks, reunions, another baby (sweet Gracie),marriages and divorces in between.

Lots of stuff in between but he now is remarried, a baby on the way ( due any day), has custody of both my kids, receives child suppport from me, after 7 years of never paying any to me and still owing back child support; but anywho, I took solice in drinking and goodtimes with friends whenever I could get them.

Sad thing was whenever the kids left, about 2 years ago now, I found those opportunities presented themselves alot more frequently. I found myself drinking alot more. I liked it. It made me feel good when I did it, I had a good time, but ended up making a lot of mistakes. Car accidents, nothing ever too serious, but speeding tickets, one law suit from a lady, lots of wrecked cars, but nothing it seemed I could not get myself, or my parents, could not get me out of.

The last wreck I had, actually I was not driving, my 18 yr old drug addicted, no drivers license having boyfriend was. But it wasn't our fault. The guy who hit us did not have insurance and my insurance did not cover it since the said boyfriend did not have a dr lic or insurance himself. So I was left without a car. My parents graciously let me use one of theirs until they spent money they didnt have to buy me one. I had the car 4 weeks when I decided to go to happy hour with people from work, become wasted and drive home. I was turning into my neighborhood, hit a curb, bent my axle, ran up into a man's yard, blew both airbags and walked out of the car unharmed and without running into or hitting anything else. I did not have a phone so I walked to my parents house which was 3 houses down, woke them up at I dont know what time (midnight or after). My dad told me to immediately call the police and a tow truck. We then went down to the scene. We met the cops down there. They asked how much I had had to drink, I told them too much. I really dont remember what happened after that, but it eventually led to the cop asking for my insurance, I tried to find it, I couldnt, I backed talked the officer and got arrested.

I remember thinking the entire time that it was a joke, that they were going to let me go at any minute, they were just trying to teach me a lesson, to scare me. They never let me go. I went into the jail, was frisked, my purse was torn apart and put into baggies, immediatley was told to take off my clothes and put on the traditional jail carb, right down to the ugly browm sandals. I was then sent to the back to be processed, all the while crying, no sobbing for someone to just listen to me. It was as if they were robots with no listening devices. I was fingerprinted, photographed, questioned, but I dont think really listened to, and then told to grab a pad and blanket and sent to a cell, C4 to be exact. I was asked if I wanted to make a phone call and at the time I thought who in their right mind would come and pick me up//. So I tried to sleep. I was awoken by the sounds of a crying black girl who desperatly wanted her mom to come pick her up and to believe her that it wasnt her fault. I thought 'how many times I have been there', but there was no one to blame but myself this time. This was all me. I took everything that everyone had given me unselfishly on their behalf and just thrown it all away in a drunken stupor. Why in the world would anyone want to come pick me up.

I knew the process of jail from people that had been in there before. I knew I had to see the judge first before I could do anything. Usually it is in the morning, not this one. I did not get to see the judge until about 4:00pm, in the meantime, I tried to pass the time as fast as I could with sleep. I would curl up and cover my head with my blanket and just focus on sleeping above the echoes of the others in there. When I finally got to see the judge and discovered I was only charged with Public Intox vs DWI, I knew again I had escaped a very dark situation and been given yet again a chance to turn things around before it was too late. I went back to my cell after my plea debating on whether to make a call or what my options would be if I was alone in this. Once I decided to call my Dad, I discovered the phone in my cell was broke. After telling one of the officers, they kept telling me they were going to move me so I could make a call. Two hours later, I was released to my Daddy. How disappointing. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life, walk out of that cell and look at my Dad.

He took me home that Thursday evening, told me I would not be going home, even though I live 10 houses down, that I would get my things, I would be staying with him and my mom for a couple of days. He would take me to work on Friday, but I would then need to find a bus route to take to work/home until I have enough money to get a car.

To be honest, I didnt want to go home, I wanted to be at home with my mom and dad, I think I needed that for awhile. I am still here now on Day 2. Friday at work was kinda hard, just because my Dad, who is really honest, called and told them exactly what happened; and I had been drinking with them. I did get written up and a few jokes were thrown my way, but I discovered what a great job I have and what a great group of people I have to work with.

So here I am on Day 2 of clean and sober. I found my car today. It is at the police impound. I have to find out how much that is going to cost to get out and if the car is repairable, how much it will cost to repair it. I really hope it is, but do not expect anything. My temptations lead me to drink which lead me to make bad decisions, therefore I can not drink. I pray for peace and clarity.