I am a confused mass of positive and negative energy trying to find its place in the world. You might have been able to tell in my blogs or facebook posts, the constant state of confusion my emotions, faith and mind are in. I have battled with this forever. Always playing with the balances; medications, religions, choices, life and death.
My mind finds a way of swallowing me whole, consuming the very life of me. The highs and lows are so extreme and full of passion and energy that rationality escapes reality, and all that is left is madness. Screaming inside, torturing at both ends of manic and depression, leaving my soul empty and uncapable of rationale decisions. I am either overwhelmed with happiness or overcome by anger and sadness.
My life, interrupted by these seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, is being ripped to shreads as this roller coaster ride continues. My very own thoughts are tearing my life apart. I beg and plead to stop, but it seems like the insanity strengthens with every turn.
I can feel my mind taking over everything in these moments, covering everything in darkness and heavyness. For days it seems like there is no way out, fighting the inevitable end, wanting to give up, but knowing that I can't. That is the worst, knowing that I can't. The struggle between good and evil being played out so vividly in my own mind, for my own life, right in front me. I am the judge, the jury, the victim, the perpetrator and in the end the executioner. It is in days like these that I feel the world has betrayed me, God has forsaken me and my friends have forgotten me. I battle my own thoughts for days or weeks until I can see light, when I can finally interrupt the madness for awhile. I enjoy my days fully hoping for a longer period in between the darkness.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Good night
So tonight is the first time I have felt really good......in like a long time. You know how you get the butterflies, I got em. It makes me feel good that I can still get them. Im not hopeless. I havent given up just yet. Its nice, im smiling. Why? Not sure - I know it will end in disaster like always - but it really feels good to smile. Not many people can make me smile.. HE makes me smile.
The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.
I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.
I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.
I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.
I am ready.
The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.
I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.
I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.
I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.
I am ready.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Down with the Sickness
If ever I have questioned the presence of Christ - that my friends, well that question has surely been answered over the last few days. Feeling more comfortable in my doubts, I let my better judgement get away from me over the last few weeks. I have seen and experienced the consequences tenfold.
My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.
My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.
The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.
My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.
My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.
The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Just a note
I had a very long blog written here but decided, in my better judgement, to erase it. I will choose my words wisely and calm myself down before destroying anything. Just a note to those people I may annoy on a regular basis or just every once in a while, I promise you, I will not change. If you do not like me now, most of the time or even some of time, please do not bother at all. All of my qualities come as a group, you can not pick and choose what you get. I am not different around any one person, everyone gets everything. Please discard yourself from my life if you can not or will not handle because I assure I have noticed and I will not hold my breath the next time.
K - thanks
K - thanks
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
33 and quite positively unsure
Pretty sure I know nothing, and learn less and less everyday. The more I read and try to understand, the less I see. I sometimes wonder if I am too smart or just not smart enough. Some claim ignorance is bliss, in which I agree to some point. Someone tells you to believe - you just believe no questions asked, no analysis of the situation needed, just pure ignorant bliss. Or maybe happiness is with those who can rationalize through all the mumbo jumbo and see the real picture and focus on the importance of the reality. Whichever it is - I am clearly in the middle where confusion and insanity lie.
I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.
I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.
I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.
I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.
I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.
I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.
Monday, May 17, 2010
They just might be on to something....
with this whole woman's cycle thing. Today has been crap. But I cant neccessarily say it was all me and how I chose to deal with my emotions. People are fucking stupid and they are everywhere and seem to multiply by the millions everyday.
My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.
Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh
I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.
I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.
Bleh
My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.
Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh
I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.
I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.
Bleh
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Coming Together
The pieces are beginning to come together now.
Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.
Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.
That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.
The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.
The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.
So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.
Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.
Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.
Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.
That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.
The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.
The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.
So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.
Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.
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