33 and quite positively unsure

Pretty sure I know nothing, and learn less and less everyday. The more I read and try to understand, the less I see. I sometimes wonder if I am too smart or just not smart enough. Some claim ignorance is bliss, in which I agree to some point. Someone tells you to believe - you just believe no questions asked, no analysis of the situation needed, just pure ignorant bliss. Or maybe happiness is with those who can rationalize through all the mumbo jumbo and see the real picture and focus on the importance of the reality. Whichever it is - I am clearly in the middle where confusion and insanity lie.

I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.

I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.

I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.

They just might be on to something....

with this whole woman's cycle thing. Today has been crap. But I cant neccessarily say it was all me and how I chose to deal with my emotions. People are fucking stupid and they are everywhere and seem to multiply by the millions everyday.

My emotional state, or I guess lack thereof, started yesterday evening, after taking the kids back to their dad's. Like that isnt depressing enough in itself, I then got to my parents to download the pictures of the fabulous weekend we shared together, only to find out that the memory card I had saved money on to buy is all jacked up in some nonsensical type of way that I nor my father can figure out. Yippee. Whatever - who needs to see that I actually do stuff with my kids anyway - I know - thats all that matters right. Whatever. Fucking memory card.

Went home and for some reason last night was a lot more lonely than usual - even with Sgt Pepper. It just seemed really quiet, so quiet I couldnt sleep. Bleh

I woke up from a horrible dream of vomiting, only to find myself in the awake world doing the same. Skittles and poopoo. I would love to drown my sorrows tonight and probably go out and do something wreckless, stupid, illegal and possibly fatal. Turn this horrible day into a drunken night of ignorant bliss.

I will end this positive blog on a positive note. PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID AND I THINK THEY SHOULD BE SHOT FOR IT, or atleast be used to test out possible harmful drugs with really bad side effects.

Bleh

Coming Together

The pieces are beginning to come together now.

Although I have made mistakes and faltered from my once renewed vows, I see where the pieces are beginning to fit together - atleast the corners anyway. My job, my home, my kids, my kitty, my love life, my family and my friends.

Lets start with my Kitty. I got him yesterday. His birthday, ironically, March 17, the day of my demise and also my rebirth. How fitting, dont you think. I have said I wanted a cat for years now and have put it off for the fear of even a little responsibility. Well, he couldnt of come at a more perfect time. If you keep up with my blog you know I have been praying for companionship. Not exactly what I meant, but as soon as I met him and took him - I knew it was exactly what I needed and exactly why I knew why I wanted a cat to begin with. When you live alone - well its lonely. I am not a dog person - that is way too much for me. I am way more a cat person, we are a different breed of personality. Me and Sgt Pepper will get along perfectly. I broungt him home last night and then went to Wal-Mart and bought all the neccessities, food, litter box, litter, toys, scratch pad. It took him awhile to get used to his new surroundings and after finally finding him in a box in the kids closet, I played with him and showed him all his new stuff. Later in the night he curled up on the couch around my neck and we watched TV. He slept in the bed all night, little cute guy. He played all morning in the bedroom while I got ready for work and was eating in his new little bowl as I left out the door. Too cute. I hope he doesnt get scared by himself. Im ready to be home with him. I am glad I am not going anywhere tonight. I am ready for the kids to see him - Gray will be thrilled, Tyler, such the protector, will be glad someone is there with me now. Sgt Pepper is clearly just the companion I needed.

That leads me to my love life. Saturday was a realization night for me, a crushing one, but one nonetheless. The words I needed to hear came pouring out like vomit out of a sorority girls nostrils. It was horrible and awful and it burned. I couldnt stop them so I walked away. My stomach still turns at the thought of them. A vanishing dream never realized and a life never lived. How obsessive and pathetic does that sound. But again another corner piece put in place. I no longer feel the need to go out during the week, whats the point. I will miss my Beatles, but they play on the weekends sometimes and I will sit in the back with a floppy hat and big sunglasses and a broken heart and listen to them then.

The next corner piece is this wonderful job I have. I have been handed this wonderful opportunity to excel everyday. I am succeeding everyday. I am proud of myself at this job. I love what I do and must say I am really good at it. I dont want to mess that up with immature social behavior suitable for a 19 year old.

The last corner piece is my Daddy. He came to visit my new addition yesterday as well as converse. I must admit since my wavering, I havent visited with them as often as normal. He thought I was mad at him, he told me he had been upset with me. He continued on. He said alcohol was going to ruin my life but that it was none of his business but that he would no longer enable me. I let him know that I was never mad at him but knew he was upset with me so I avoided the situation. I was glad to hear that he was no longer going to be my enabler. I needed to hear that. I wanted to cry - still do. I love my daddy. And I know, out of experience, that we enable people out of the truest of love that we have in our hearts. And it is out of that true love that we can finally say no more. I love you so much Daddy. And there is nothing in the world that I want more than to make you proud......on my own.....on my own free will. Momma we know and I will make you both proud.

So, now I have all my corners in place - it is time to start filling in the middle. I do not have the box cover so I have no idea what the picture is going to look like. One piece at a time, and I might get some of them wrong. What I do promise myself is not to JAM a piece in there that clearly does not fit. I am happy with my corners, my foundation, the rest can just get better.

Praying for peace and clarity, friends and family.

Taking a moment

Work is crazy today. I need this moment to gather my thoughts before my head explodes all over everyone.

Deep breath - in with the good out with the bad. We need a meditation room - I need to convince everyone here to become Buddhist. or smoke pot.

I had a wonderful weekend. The weather was gorgeous and the kids were fantastic. I really enjoyed being outside, which is usually not like me. I planted flowers, mowed, with the help of my son (for nothing in return). Afterwards, I read my book in the backyard, listening to the birds chirp, Abbey Road coming from the house and the kids passing by the window and running in and out the door. I would catch myself in a daze of amazement that it was all mine. This wonderful place and backyard and kids, the sounds and smells. I have earned all of it. I was happy. Still am. That is a good lasting feeling, one that I am learning to keep with me.

I have realized I am possibly maybe trying to fill a void that is not really even there. Just because someone leaves your life, does not mean they are to be replaced. Maybe that position was never meant to be filled. I have felt like I have been "on the look out". Constantly let down. Tired of being let down - so I have decided to stop looking. I remember when I was happy without anyone being there - I can get there again. Cute ones make it hard. Cute charming ones make it harder. But again - maybe that position was never meant to be filled in my company. Maybe my expectations of the possible applicant are just too high. Act like you are interested?? Hmmm nope, I would say that would be right after fill in your name here. Maybe I am looking at it all wrong - maybe I am the one that doesnt fit the position. Hahaha - whatever - I rock, that cant be it.

Over aggressive am I, but honest, loving and faithfull I can be.

Praying for peace, clarity and true companionship.

I slipped and fell.

I am back up.

Geez life is hard and you have to make a lot of decisions everyday. I wish it were easier. It is as easy as you make though I guess.

Smarter decisions:

1. Dont stay out late on weeknights - no matter how good the music or how enchanting the guy - work the next day sucks

3. When the peircing guy says to not drink alcohol with your peircing - dont drink alcohol. My fucking face hurts.

5. Do not drink and drive. I havent, but that is still a smart decision that should be listed.

6. Don't be obsessive, a trait I realize is very unattractive but is sometimes hard to control.

7. Remind yourself periodically what you might look like to other people. Although people tell you should NOT worry about this, recent pictures and video, make me doubt this.

8. Remind myself that one day I will feel strong enough to put 2 and 4 back up there. Just not yet.

9. Keep one day on the weekend to rest and do my grown up responsibilities like laundry and dishes and stuff.

10. Always take atleast one bubble bath during the week.

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone.

Praying for peace and clarity and a simple life.

Ode to My Little Red Wagon

I was very excited at first
about my little red wagon
I thought "who in the world
wouldn't want to have one"

I took care of my wagon
every single day
It was the first thing I thought of
when I wanted to play

I kept my wagon
looking shiney and new
Keeping it in focus
if I thought I was through

My little red wagon was wonderful
and it made me feel alive
When I rode in my wagon
I felt like I could fly

I showed my wagon off
to all of my friends
But they did not have a little red wagon
and did not want to jump in

Still proud of my little wagon
on two feet I was homebound
Giddy with excitement
Not to be slowed down

The next couple of weeks
my wagon was still like brand new
I rode in my red wagon
Passed by my friends and stopped for a few

I bragged about my wagon
they bragged about their fun
It was a beautiful day out..
I have always had fun in the sun

I looked at my little wagon
and it looked back at me
Little red had been so good
I couldnt just tell it to leave

Making better decisions
since getting my little red wagon
I had to come up with an idea
and I knew I finally had one

I realized my little red wagon
could hold just enough fun in the sun
I could pull it wherever I wanted
and then stop when I wanted to get just one

And so we walked handle and hand
at the end of a gorgeous day
me and my little red wagon
only a little compromise we each had to make

Popeye said it best...

And I am what I am what I am and I am what I am and that's all that I am 'cuz I am what I am.

With age I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I feel more sexy, more confident, more, well, more Mandyish. I like that. Damn it feels good. I have gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage that society said I needed to have; i.e., the boyfriend, the tons of girlfriends, the date nights, the work friends, the drama, blah, blah and blah. I have narrowed by life's list down to only a few - and boy are they a great group of people. They are there when I need them, they are away when I dont, they have my back at all times. My Super Heroes. I want to give them capes and give them all cool names and make a movie about them and call it Kick Ass. Huh? What? That has been done? Shit.

I like being in my 30s. Just a brief pause - I cant for the life of me recall how to spell intellegent < thats not right is it> I cant very well say I am intellegent and spell it wrong can I? Does it just look wrong? Am I missing an i? Daddy - I know you must be proud. Okay - back to where we were. 30s, 33 in particular has been excellent, thanks to soberness and better decision making on my part mainly, but I have realized this IS my time to shine. So like me or not, I am not going to let that bother me anymore. I am not going to waste my time trying to figure out why. I brush the haters off (brush, brush). If only I could have done that in High School. I am sure I would have been shunned by everyone, as I would not have "fit" into any clique that had there, but I would have gotten along a lot better with my sister growing up without listening to peers telling me what I should think, act, dress, talk and feel.

Cheers to Popeye for saying it best, Im ams what I ams and thats what I ams.

Sorry for the randomness and thanks for patience.

Still praying for peace and clarity.