This is me

I have recently encountered some weird behavior and it has baffled me over the last few days, to say the least. Needless to say with my obsessive personality, it has consumed my thoughts for days. It has not made me angry or sad, just bewildered. I do not think I have ever experienced this to such a degree. I am proud of myself for the emotional control but am still left in wonderment of what could have possibly happened. The only thing I can think of is that maybe this person finally delved in a little deeper to my facebook and blogs and were "scared" with what they saw and read. Again, I can only assume, but I know they are still alive and I know the method of communication in which we were using is still available to them, which only leaves me to guess. I am not sure why I am wasting my time wondering, well, because it is a direct relection of me and how I am perceived, that might be it. But wow, could that really be it? Am I that insane and scarey to just be ignored like so many do the homeless on the street? Am I merely a bath a bed and a job from being "that lady", or am I already "that lady". I, for just a moment's flash, thought of deleting this little home of mine, thinking maybe it is too much, but no, this is me. If it scares you, amuzes and entertains you, comforts you, or simply confuses you, this is me. I seriously thought I was just writing down what most people hid in their own souls, but maybe I am a little more off kilter than others, and if so - I am okay with that, this is me.

I can sense the disappointment in people around me for my loss in sobriety. Please understand that at this time I am not ashamed of what I am doing. I will not make excuses for myself or my drinking, but I will, and have, taken responsibility for my actions, which is a lot more than I have done in the past. I have a new ownership of my life. It is mine and I will do with it what I want, not what people expect. I will love the people I want to love, believe what I want to believe and stop struggling to try and fit some predetermined mold. I feel like for the majority of my life I have tried so hard at being what everyone else thinks I should be instead of living as who I am, and that is why I have lived so long feeling like a failure. This is me. I am living me successfully, a little more everyday. I have and am still making mistakes along the way, one I realized this morning. I will be making an effort this week to correct that mistake.

I did go see my bean counter, just the one time, and do feel like I gained some insight. Apparently I have anxiety issues, who knew? Because I really didnt know. Rachel agreed right away. Haha. It was a shock to me. Anyway - I have had to cancel my last 2 appointment due to financial issues, but would like to go and see him again. I have been trying to "keep things in the middle" as he would say. I know a lot of my anxiety has to do with the kids and them leaving. I need to find forgiveness for everyone for that. That will be a life's struggle I have a feeling.

But anywho, This is me. I am sorry if I scare you. My intention is only to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Putting it on a blog is just something I do, because that's just me : )

Damaged Goods

Like a dented can of ranch style beans at the grocery store. You know the one, the one the stock boy always puts at the front, hoping it will be absent mindedly picked up and taken out, only to be handled and pushed to the side for the 'good can'. So the beans are a little stirred and shaken - they are still beans. But I guess why have a dented can when you can have a 'good can', right?

Well, I am having my beans taken in tomorrow to get evaluated. Pouring all my beans out of the can and seeing what happens next. Im a little nervous, scared, excited. Not sure what to hope for. Like I told my Mom and Dad, I am not hoping to start liking the world, just to be able to start surviving in my own head.

I am guarded with who i have in my life right now, and would be totally cut off if it wasnt for Rachel. She has convinced me that some sense of genuinality (Im sure that is a word)still exists in some people out there and told me not delete them out of my life just yet. I will believe this because I belive in her. She is my soul survivor right now. I love her for being her, for being good, for being from N carolina and for being my true friend. It is a true shame more people cannot be like her.

So although I do not believe whole heartedly in medical science, (I believe we should live until the ripe old age of 25,like in the Bible days, when marriages lasted and happiness was forever - but that is another blog another time)here's to my dr appt tomorrow. My wrapper may appear nicer, but my can will always be dented and my beans always a little shaken.

Life Interrupted

I am a confused mass of positive and negative energy trying to find its place in the world. You might have been able to tell in my blogs or facebook posts, the constant state of confusion my emotions, faith and mind are in. I have battled with this forever. Always playing with the balances; medications, religions, choices, life and death.

My mind finds a way of swallowing me whole, consuming the very life of me. The highs and lows are so extreme and full of passion and energy that rationality escapes reality, and all that is left is madness. Screaming inside, torturing at both ends of manic and depression, leaving my soul empty and uncapable of rationale decisions. I am either overwhelmed with happiness or overcome by anger and sadness.

My life, interrupted by these seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, is being ripped to shreads as this roller coaster ride continues. My very own thoughts are tearing my life apart. I beg and plead to stop, but it seems like the insanity strengthens with every turn.

I can feel my mind taking over everything in these moments, covering everything in darkness and heavyness. For days it seems like there is no way out, fighting the inevitable end, wanting to give up, but knowing that I can't. That is the worst, knowing that I can't. The struggle between good and evil being played out so vividly in my own mind, for my own life, right in front me. I am the judge, the jury, the victim, the perpetrator and in the end the executioner. It is in days like these that I feel the world has betrayed me, God has forsaken me and my friends have forgotten me. I battle my own thoughts for days or weeks until I can see light, when I can finally interrupt the madness for awhile. I enjoy my days fully hoping for a longer period in between the darkness.

Good night

So tonight is the first time I have felt really good......in like a long time. You know how you get the butterflies, I got em. It makes me feel good that I can still get them. Im not hopeless. I havent given up just yet. Its nice, im smiling. Why? Not sure - I know it will end in disaster like always - but it really feels good to smile. Not many people can make me smile.. HE makes me smile.

The last couple of weeks have been good in general, but tonight....it was a good night. Even if nothing happens, or heartache, atleast I know it is still there. I do feel. That is a good thing. I miss that feeling. Its nice.

I have been thinking and praying really hard just in general for my well being. I need help, I know that. I can not do any of this alone. It is really hard out there all alone. Not wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, but alone is hard. You have a totally different perception when you have someone. You can comment on the way people dress or act,,, but how and what would you do if you were alone. Would you wear the same clothes and act the same way? Doubtful. It is easy enough to judge when you are in a different circumstance. Put yourself in my shoes. Please, just one day. Again, not expecting pity, just recognition for what I am dealing with.

I hear guys say things.....things I love to hear. No action is followed. Please let this time be different. Just once....for a little while. It was like that....for a little while...does that make it worse or better? Should I expect nothing and maybe get a little. My heart wont let me do that. When you feel something you just do....right? I expect what I have seen my whole life...which is alot to live up to. I honestly think no man can now a days. My dad LOVES my mom like each day loves the rising sun. He depends on it, gravitates toward it, can not live without it. Is that too much to ask....Im sorry I wont settle for less. I see it out there, in friends. Its there, I know that type of relationship still exists. I see me sister and Tommy. They are made for each other. Society itself is holding them back from something that could be amazing.

I ask for nothing but attention, love, well being, and honesty, and I will give back tenfold. Life is hard, love is harder, but both worth the effort that is put in. If you can live, you can love.

I am ready.

Down with the Sickness

If ever I have questioned the presence of Christ - that my friends, well that question has surely been answered over the last few days. Feeling more comfortable in my doubts, I let my better judgement get away from me over the last few weeks. I have seen and experienced the consequences tenfold.

My best example would be, metaphorically, waking up with my head in the toilet praying to God that I would never drink again. Although my ventures did not exclude this(so much for the metaphor),it harbored considerably more mental malfunctions. Needless to say my life has been in the toilet the last couple of days and I know why.

My careless ways and carefree attitude will be the death of me if drinking isnt. I am the person who goes for anything - the one in the group that screams "Lets Do It". My weakness is spontaneity and adventure. The unknown, willing the unwilled. I push and I dont mind being pushed back - in fact I love it. Push harder. Lets see how far this goes - where it takes us. Oh was that the line - looks like we passed it. I have to slow down on that, because I will either die or have nothing and no one, or c) all of the above.

The Devil is out there folks - I have seen it - it fucks with your car, with your microwave, bank account, your friendships, your health and has mind control over ants and cats. And I am atleast smart enough to know that if there is a devil, there is a God. If i can get rid of this evil presence around me, I will be able to experience and feel the good side. I cant wait.

Just a note

I had a very long blog written here but decided, in my better judgement, to erase it. I will choose my words wisely and calm myself down before destroying anything. Just a note to those people I may annoy on a regular basis or just every once in a while, I promise you, I will not change. If you do not like me now, most of the time or even some of time, please do not bother at all. All of my qualities come as a group, you can not pick and choose what you get. I am not different around any one person, everyone gets everything. Please discard yourself from my life if you can not or will not handle because I assure I have noticed and I will not hold my breath the next time.

K - thanks

33 and quite positively unsure

Pretty sure I know nothing, and learn less and less everyday. The more I read and try to understand, the less I see. I sometimes wonder if I am too smart or just not smart enough. Some claim ignorance is bliss, in which I agree to some point. Someone tells you to believe - you just believe no questions asked, no analysis of the situation needed, just pure ignorant bliss. Or maybe happiness is with those who can rationalize through all the mumbo jumbo and see the real picture and focus on the importance of the reality. Whichever it is - I am clearly in the middle where confusion and insanity lie.

I would have thought at this age and at this point in my life I would have a more clearer understanding of what I wanted, where I should be, what direction I needed to go, and what I believed. Currently, these questions haunt me like a bad dream. It seems everywhere I turn is another sign that I have no idea what is going on in my life. I am a happy person - blissfully ignorant - intelligently tormented all at the same time.

I question if anyone in my generation has answers, or if we all just do what we are told, or the total opposite, if you are the rebel type. Would this generation have been able to discover mathematics, physics, religion? Are we "too smart" to have ever thought beyond ourselves that there is a higher power out there, or too ignorant and impatient to know without being told? My generation is fun, but spititually and intellectually disappointing at times.

I read to discover the answers only to find more questions. I am at a loss in moments of my life as to what foot to put forward next. Is forward the direction I am even going? My path is a winding one whether it be by fate, by chance or by choice. I forge ahead with my eyes wide open and asking my questions along the way. Someday I hope for an answer.